What will I remember the most from the year that has passed?

I will remember Valentine's day which I spent with my other single college friends in Anne's house. We stayed overnight and had a lot of fun.

I will remember an orgmate of mine who made February 29th a very special day. In the midst of all my studying for my last final oral exams in college, he showed up at my door with flowers and inspired me to ace my exams the next day.

I will remember my last month of college at the Ateneo. March was full of unforgettable experiences - the senior's outing in Quezon, hanging out and just watching movies, attending area without worrying about exams or papers to do, walking to riverbanks to ride the bump cars, going to UP to eat isaw with my friends, and most especially graduation day.

I will remember my vacation with my cousins and how cute Ate Gladys' twin daughters are.

I will remember my first months of being unemployed. Just bumming around in the house and being a couch potato. I would watch DVDs the whole day long. Waking up late and just doing anything I want, reconnecting with my high school friends and getting all the chismis about our other batchmates.

I will remember my first ever job as a research associate for a headhunting firm. How I was bored out of my wits with what I am doing and how I hated my superior. I lasted for a month and then couldn't bear it anymore so I quit. I liked my co-workers though and the internet access the whole day long.

I will remember occassionally going out with a friend from the Ateneo. It was very weird because of all the history between us but he was sweet and took care of me for a while.

I will remember being heartbroken. I won't say anymore about this because I know I have said too much.

I will remember starting my current job. Meeting new friends in the office. Getting frustrated with all the chismis going around. But I will also remember all that I have learned and learning in my current job.

I will remember Ate Cel's wedding. I think I have written about that here before.

And lastly, I will remember falling in love like I have never loved before. This time I am giving my all. This time there is no fooling around. This time, I hope, will be the last time.

Whew, what a year....

My Christmas Wish List

A new phone
Or a palm phone
New clothes
lots of good books...
lots of DVDs
a DVD copy of the les miserables musical
A CD player for the car
An optra (hehe)
New shoes
New sneakers
caramel apples
a new computer to play NFS2 and Tomb Raider.
A new laptop, a smaller one
Lots of new wristwatches
A portable DVD player
A year's supply of Cosmo mag
Free DSL service
Hay...and a lot lot more...

But even without these things I will still have a happy happy Christmas...Why? If you really knew me, you wouldn't have to ask why. =)

There are rumors circulating in my workplace and although it bothers me I choose not to be affected by it. I can only pray that God continues to give me his blessings.

I went to EK with my friends last Monday and although it was raining we still managed to have fun. Thanks to everyone - Gelo, Aja, Re, Milet, J, Haydz, Julie, Cha and Mac. It was so much fun, It was a break from all the stress that I am having.

I'm hoping the coming week will be a fruitful one...I am already looking forward to the weekend because it is my mom's birthday this Sunday...I have to figure out what to give her pa...

Live A Life That Matters!


THERE'S ONLY US
I am so lucky to have real friends who care for me and are there for me. I am so lucky to have my family who supports me in everything I do. I am so lucky to have someone who gives me a love so pure and true. I wanna tell you all how much I appreciate you. How important you all are in my life. Be assured that you can also turn to me for anything you might ever need. I will be here for you as you are here for me.

THERE'S ONLY THIS
I appreciate everything i have at this moment in my life. I would not deny that in the past there were times that I feel discontented but now there is only room in my life for hapiness and positive things. Great friends, fulfilling job, my happy ending. What more could I ask for?

FORGET REGRET
Although there were things I would rather change in my life, past decisions I made that were wrong, there is no good in dwelling in all of it. I do not look at the past but rather look to the future. There is a lot to look forward to. No sense in regret...Besides it is not how many times i fall down that matters, what matters is how many times I stood up after a fall.


YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS
I only have one life to live. Might as well make the best of it. I'd like to do everything I can in my lifetime. Experience everything I can. There is no time to waste for life is short. I want to be remembered after I leave this world. Live a life that counts!

NO OTHER ROAD
There is only one road to success. One road to hapiness. i aspire to be the best in everything I do. Treasure everyone I have in my life and respect all the people I interact with. Follow the moral road. I know I have a guide, I know I have God at my side.

NO DAY BUT TODAY!!!!

NO DAY BUT TODAY!!!!
Enough Said.

Finally, I found the time to update my blog. I was not able to log on to the internet lately because i've been so busy. Last weekend was all saint's day. I went with my family to the cemetery and it was like a reunion. I saw all my cousins and pamangkins which reminded me that I have a lot of people to give gifts to.

Christmas bells are ringing!!! I need to really save because this is my first christmas as a working person. I have no more excuse to not give aguinaldo to my inaanaks. hehe.

I have a new addiction - Insaniquarium. Most people are bored by the game but it drives me insane. =) So now i can't wait to finish this so i can go back to my fishes. =)

It has been a very busy week for me. I can't wait till it's Friday... Because Fridays I'm in love. (",) The first three days of work was really hectic. We have been going around the different production plants to be familiar with all the products of the company. It's a fun and new experience but at the end of the day I am dead tired.

Last weekend we had the best time. Although it did seem that all of us there were drowning our tears with our laughter. The weekend was like an escape from our issues, an escape from normal life. But still, we had fun.


in the pool...


one last complete pic before leaving...

It's friday I'm in Love....

I'm excited about tomorrow's get together swimming here in bulacan. It will be my last hirit before I start with my training. Later today I am going to market to buy the stuff we will be needing for tomorrow. It's also fortunate that Jay is really good in organizing get togethers.

My co-trainees are texting me to go to the oktoberfest later in Eastwood but I chose to stay here to prepare the food for tomorrow. Besides, we will have 6 months ahead of us to go out. =) Anyway, last wednesday i went to the Head Office to submit my pre-employment requirements and sign the contract. It took so long that we finished at about 130 pm. Some of the guys and I went out to lunch. They were so much fun, everyone was so kalog, and jeff kept cracking jokes. Ours is really a fun bunch. And It was good that I got along with my co-trainees. Even now, we had made plans that we will invade Jeff's house and spend our lunch breaks there. It's always nice having new friends. Really can't wait...

* Currently smiling and looking forward to tomorrow...

I attended the orientation for my job yesterday. There were 24 people in the program and most of the people are Ateneans. The supervisor was really funny. Even this early i can predict that our group will be a fun one.

The program was explained and I don't know if i am excited or apprehensive, maybe a little of both. It was exciting because we get to be immersed in every thing concerned in marketing. But i can't help but be a little scared because we will all be graded and there might be a chance that i might not pass (fingers crossed). But i truly wish that i get out of the program alive. =)

Midway through the orientation i got a headache and couldn't concentrate anymore with what was being said. Good thing my Dad gave me medicine after, I was still able to drive home to bulacan.

Now i have to arrange my pre-employment requirements and work starts on Oct. 18. No more bumming around for me after that...One week of freedom left to go.....

H A P P Y

H A P P Y

B I R T H D A Y

J A J A!!!!

I love you girl!!!!

I always have so much fun when I am with you. I miss you soooo much... It really is a bummer that I do not see you as often as i would want to...

If you need anything i am always here for you!!!

I miss times like this:



Jaja, Me, and Julie

inaaway ako ng mahal ko....


pero sabi niya hindi daw...kahit pinipitik niya ko....habang nagtype ako... hehe (parang sassy girl)...

I have to choose...


And I can't think....

Good God...

For you who introduced this song to me…

Your Song
(Parokya ni Edgar)

It took one look
And forever layout in front of me
One smile then I died,
Only to be revived by you

There i was
Thought I had everything figured out
Goes to show just how much i know
About the way life plays out

I take one step away
And I find myself coming back to you
My one and only
One and only you ooh ooh

Now I know that i know not a thing at all
Except the fact that i am yours
And that you are mine
Oh, if you told me that this wouldn't be easy
And though I’m not one to complain

I take one step away
And I find myself coming back to you
My one and only, one and only

I take one step away
And I find myself coming back to you
My one and only you

-----------

I may not tell you how I feel for you; it might be hard for me to say those words to you but I try in every way to show you what I feel. As the familiar saying goes, ‘action speaks louder than words’

Thank you so much for brightening up my days. And thank you for being generous in giving me your love. If it were possible, I would choose to spend every minute with you by my side. One look at you and I knew what forever will be like for me…

kAyo na ba?

Everybody seems to ask this question. I wonder if we really look like we're together. Still, when asked, we'd give the showbiz answer- 'friends lang kami' It's true tough. We are just friends...

Why are we just friends?

I don't know. I can think up a hundred reasons but i will still end up saying i dont know...

Do I want us to become more than what we are now?

Again, i do not know. I don't think i'm ready for a commitment. I don't think I've really moved on. But then there's a part of me that wants to try it out. It might be too early and I don't want to rush into things.

If he asks I don't know what I will say...

Napapansin mo kaya?

Ang sagot sa tanong ko:

onga naman sobrang palabiro kong tao..
kasi naman sobrang torpe ko..
yan tuloy nadadaan ko lng sa biro..
yan tuloy di ka naniniwala sa akin..
pero ayoko naman sabihing andito lang ako lagi sa tabi mo..
ayoko sabihing andito lng ako palagi para sayo..
malamang kc di ka rin maniniwala..
baka isipin mo bola lng yan o isa lng sa mga biro ko..
sabi ng karamihan madaling sabihin mahirap gawin..
pero ako ang tao na may isang salita..
di ka man maniwala sa akin..
walang laway na sasayangin..
sana mapansin mo na gagawin ko..
di basta sinabi lng..

sa ngyon bago pa lng tau magkakilala kaya siguro di ka naniniwala..
sa ngayon di naman ako nagmamadali at gusto ko rin namang makilala ka ng lubusan..
marami pa tayong oras para mapatunayan kung totoo man o hindi ang mga sinasabi ko..
ayoko magmadali!
kasi kadalasan ang mabilisan mabilis din nawawala..

palabiro ka nga rin..
lagi mo nga rin akong napapatawa gawa ng mga biro mo,
kaya nman di ako nagsasawang kausap ka..
kahit wala ng sense ang pinag-uusapan natin,
patuloy pa rin tayong nag-uusap kahit pa abutin ng madaling araw..
kahit na nakakatulugan mo na nga ako minsan..
ok lang kasi alam ko naman di ka sanay magpuyat..

sana nga kahit papaano nakakatulong ako sayo malimutan ang nakaraan mo..
sabihin mo lng kung sawa ka ng kausap ako..
di na kita kukulitin..
basta pag kailngan mo ako andto lng ako..
ok lng kung di ka naniniwala..
di nman kita pinipilit na maniwala eh..

Do you know that when you tell a joke, 50% of it is true? That way you can say what you really feel and yet not become too vulnerable. (From The Sweetest Thing)

Sa ilang buwan ng mga paguusap, pagkikita, pagttxt natin, madalas mo kong biruin. Alam ko ang biro hindi totoo kaya pinipilit kong di maniwala. Sabagay, mga bola lang naman ang karamihan dun, kahit na sabihin mo pang hindi. Mga bagay na sinasabi just to make me feel better kahit naman sa tingin ko hindi totoo.

Pero tuwing magbibiro ka hindi ko alam kung bakit naniniwala ako. O umaasa ako na sana kahit papano may katotohan kahit na kaunti sa mga biro mo. Ang saya kasing isipin na handa kang gawin kahit ano para sakin. Ang saya din isipin na matagal ka ng may gusto sakin. Kahit na alam kong nagbibiro ka lang pag sinasabi mo yun. Sino ba naman ako para magustuhan mo, ang dami namang ibang babae diyan na maaring may gusto sayo. At saka ayokong bigyan ng malisya yung mga ginagawa mo para sakin, wala ka naman kasing sinasabi bukod sa mga palagi mong pagbibiro. At saka parang masyado pang maaga para sumuong ulit sa ganitong sitwasyon. Hindi ko pa kasi nakakalimutan ang sakit ng nawalang pag-ibig.

Pero nagpapasalamat parin ako kasi napapasaya ako ng mga biro mo. Napapatawa mo ako kahit papano. Tinulungan mo akong aliwin yung sarili ko para hindi na magisip ng mga bagay na hindi na dapat iniisip. Kaya ngayon nagbibiro na rin ako. Yung mga biro ko nga lang may bahid ng katotohanan.
Napapansin mo kaya?

We went to Tagaytay yesterday. I went with them because I just had nothing else to do for the day. But when we were already there we had nothing to do, no new places to visit. It was like we did not go out of town. We just bought fruits and buko pie to at least make something out of our visit to Tagaytay. We ended up spending rest of the day in megamall. It’s funny how going to tagaytay has ceased becoming special to me. When I was a kid, every visit to Tagaytay was always special. It was something I always looked forward to considering that we live in the north and rarely travel south. But in college, I found myself frequenting tagaytay for retreats, for picnics… Visits to tagaytay became ordinary happenings. It was not something to look forward to. It was just normal. It wasn’t special anymore. So this illustrates how something very special can become ordinary when you do it often.

Does this apply to everything special in your life? So if you go out on a date with your ‘special someone’ too often it becomes the norm? Being together, which you would look forward to, would become tiring? And even your favorite food would become ordinary when u eat it everyday. Then would it also be true that your special someone would be just like any other person once you have been with the person for a while?
I refuse to believe this… I would still choose to believe that certain things will remain special no matter what!

The Wedding

I have never attended a wedding so touching and so solemn as my cousin’s wedding yesterday. I was fighting back tears as the bride was walking down the aisle. I was watching the bride walk towards her soon to be husband and all I could think of was all the memories I had with Ate Cel (the bride). She is the cousin that is closest to me. She is the closest thing to a sister that I had. While I was growing up, she was always there. Every single significant event in my life, I shared with her. She was in my graduations; she would choose my clothes for me; she would adopt me every summer and take care of me when I want to get away from the house; she was just always there for me. And even tough I know that she will still be there even if she’s married, I still feel like I’m losing her.

But even so I am still happy for Ate Cel that she has found the person to whom she will devote her life too…for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I just wish the road is not too bumpy in the journey that they have embarked upon together.

After the wedding my other cousins and I went and watched a movie since the newly weds have also left for their honeymoon. Jay and I had such a blast while Ate Jeng slept through some parts of the movie. Good thing it was late at night and there were only about 10 people inside the cinema, Jay and I could laugh our heads off and be a little loud. We watched “Now That I Have You” and enjoyed the movie so much, but of course we didn’t want to admit it to our other relatives because after all it is a mushy-tagalog-no brainer movie. We could just really relate to John Lloyd and Bea (hehe). Even when I got home Jay and I were still texting that we would watch another star cinema mushy movie again. Haha, can’t wait.
Hmm…I wonder what the newlyweds are doing right now in their honeymoon suite…hehe, probably playing jack en poy. =)

It’s my birthday.

I found this site where you fill in the blanks and they generate a birthday story for you. Since it’s my birthday and I have nothing else to do I decided to give it a try.. So here it is:

A Birthday Story (http://www.bethanyroberts.com/BirthdayStory.htm )

Once upon a birthday, there was a young girl named Leighnie. Leighnie was 21 years old and lived in pasig. Leighnie was walking home from school, thinking about birthday cakes and presents. Suddenly a giant red dog jumped out from behind a closet and pounced on Leighnie! But as she was about to scream for help, Leighnie realized the red dog was only licking her face. In fact, the furry kisses tickled! Leighnie giggled and decided to keep the giant red dog as a pet. And on the way home she decided to name her new pet ''gig'' When Leighnie and gig finally got home, her Mom, Menchie, was standing on the front porch. And was she surprised to see a red dog following Leighnie home! ''What in world is that?'' cried Leighnie's Mom. ''It's a giant red dog,'' answered Leighnie. ''I can see that, Leighnie, but what in the world is it doing here?'' ''It's my birthday. Can it be my new pet?'' answered Leighnie. ''Oh, dear,'' said Leighnie's Mom. ''I wouldn't get your hopes up. You know your father doesn't like red dogs. But, it is kind of cute. And it is your birthday. I suppose you can keep it while I finish frosting your birthday cake.'' And with that, Leighnie hugged gig and led her new pet into the house--even though she knew her father would probably not let it stay. Once in the house, Leighnie and Gig played charades, until Leighnie's favorite television show, ''Friends,'' started. Then Leighnie forgot all about watching Gig. But half way through friends, Leighnie heard her father, Gene, shout, '' Leighnie Louise! Get in the basement...NOW!!'' Leighnie rushed into the basement, where her Dad was pointing toward the sofa. ''Look what your new pet did!'' he said. Leighnie looked. There were balloons and streamers, hanging from the ceiling. Mom and Dad were wearing party hats. But right in the middle of the sofa, were the messy remains of the birthday cake! ''I'll clean it up, Dad,'' said Leighnie. ''I'm sorry, Leighnie, said her Dad, ''but a giant red dog is not a good pet. You'd better find it a new home.'' So Leighnie looked to see where Gig was hiding. Soon Leighnie found Gig crouched beneath the table where Leighnie did her reading. ''Come on, Gig, you have to go. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who ate the cake and made a mess!'' said Leighnie. And Leighnie started to lead Gig out of the house and down to the local bookstore. Leighnie knew the store owner would find Gig a good home. So after hugging Gig and saying good-bye, she thanked the owner of bookstore, and walked backed home. Leighnie didn't notice the red dog was following! Back home, Leighnie sadly slurped six cokes. But Leighnie's father reminded her about the mess she still had to clean up. Halfway through the clean-up, Leighnie suddenly noticed Gig in the doorway. ''Gig! You're back!'' she shouted. Gig hopped up and down and gave everyone furry, tickling, BIG kisses. Even Leighnie's father giggled. ''I guess that red dog can stay,'' said Leighnie's Dad. anne was a birthday pet after all! Leighnie's Mom baked another mocha cake, and they all celebrated. What a happy birthday it was! The End.

MENTOS Cool chews (the green one)

Have you ever tasted these small candies? It’s supposed to be breath fresheners and you are supposed to take one after a meal or if you are just really hungry. For an average person, one box of this kind of mentos should last for two – three weeks. But you see I was addicted to them. I consumed about two to three boxes of it in a week. And that’s just me, when I share it with my friends a box could last me for just a day.

I was at the grocery with my mom before and the first thing that I usually grab is a pack of these candies. My mom used to ask me why I liked it so much and couldn’t seem to get enough of it. I would just shrug and say nothing. Of course I couldn’t tell her the real reason why I like the candies so much, it would just lead to more questions. You see the reason why I like it is because it reminds me of him. Of how whenever he would go to the groceries he would always buy mentos. I was not that addicted to it at that time but I liked it already. He would buy it for me because he knew that I liked it. Back then I never bought a single box of mentos because he would always have some for me. But when he left I started craving for the candies. He was gone so I had to buy some myself. Then after a while I realized that I was already addicted to it. Much like I was addicted to him before. Heck, I probably am still addicted to him considering that I dream of him every night.

I have started to decrease my intake of the candies because although I like to be reminded of him I know that thinking about him is not doing me any good. I think aversion therapy is gonna do the trick. If I do not see the candies then I get used to not popping one all the time. And then I won’t crave for it anymore. How I wish that getting over him is also that easy. I do not even have to avoid him because there is nothing to avoid. This should be easy…but why am I having such a hard time?

I'm a bum again for the rest of August. I'll be starting my new job on September so for now I am not doing anything. It is fun actually that I have all the time I want again. I can finally watch the last season of FRIENDS.

After getting to read the Da Vinci Code and Digital Fortress, I became obsessed with Dan Brown books. His books are really unputdownable (Is there such a word?). I finished the Da Vinci code in one weekend, that's how interesting it was fo me. I bought Angels and Demons last Monday and I was planning to read it for the rest of the month but I have already finished it last wednesday.

After three weeks I was finally able to go home to Bulacan last thursday. I met up with my high school friends and it was fun. On the way home I noticed that they were already selling Bitcho and Bibingka again. Brought back a lot of memories of last year and made me see that the Christmas season is coming up again. I wonder what christmas will be like this year? I hope my Christmas will not be cold again...

weepee...Anne's back



we met yesterday and had a very interesting conversation. it was comforting to see her again. I missed our conversations, i missed bringing her home, i missed being with her...Was so happy that I finally got to be with her again...But then again, being with her made me miss someone else more...I remember how they used to talk to each other in their own language and how i try to understand...i remember how he would accompany me when i bring anne home...hay....

grr...get over it already... ah, basta, i'm glad anne's back...

was ranting to ego earlier how i wanted to blog but couldn't think of anything to write...well, actually i could think of a lot of things to write but nobody else would be interested to hear about what i was planning to write...ano ba to, ang labo...

You said: "Do you really think I have a life here?"

Do I? Tell me why I would not think that when it seems to me that you have adjusted with the life there. You moved to live on your own and you now work. I do not know what's happening to you, all i know is that you are not here. You do not tell me anything anymore so I can only assume that you probably prefer being there. Thinking that you've started a new life there helped me let go of you. I am still bitter but I know at least I don't hope for much right now. I' ve let you go and i've stopped fighting for this.

You said: " Why won't you bleieve me when i say I'm coming back? I've told you over and over that I'll be back..."

I know you've told me that you'll be back about a dozen times. I know you'll be back and I believe you. But the longer the time that you are away, more things change between us. We are both at the point in our lives where a lot is changing, we could have met the changes together but you left. When we finally see each other I am sure we will be two different people. Not anymore like the carefree students we were when we met but people who have seen how it is to live life independently. Even if you say otherwise, even if you assure me that nothing will change with you, I cannot force myself to believe that. I guess I am stubborn that way.

You said: " I just want you to be happy. I am doing this because I do not want to hurt you. I only want what would make you happy..."

Really now? You think that doing this will make me happy? But why on Earth am I hurting? Maybe you don't know me that well. If you would just ask what would really make me happy, I only have one answer - YOU... 

I have just told our managing director that I am leaving the job. She did not comment, she did not say anything. It was like she knew that I was planning to do this for a while now. One of my officemates said that our manager has learned to be neutral to every person she handles that tells her that they are leaving. In our group almost half has left since she started handling the team. I think that we who are leaving all have the same sentiments. She does not really know how to handle people. Sometimes she has the tendency to treat us all as her assistants, which we are not. In my case where I do not really need the income but rather the experience and training, It is relatively easier for me to make the decision to leave. Although I will be unemployed again, it does not bother me so much. I guess I would have tried to make this work if the job I was doing is fulfilling but it is not. I just cannot find the motivation. All that's left to do now is print out my resignation letter and talk to the president of the company. It's funny that I am not even nervous. It's funny how I am so looking forward to all the free time that I am going to get again.

I wish life was more simple than this.

Signing off.....

 

YEHEY!!!! It's Friday!!!! It's the weekend again..

I can sing all day long

 Friday, I'm in Love
i don't care if monday's blue
tuesday's grey and wednesday too
thursday i don't care about you
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can fall apart
tuesday wednesday break my heart
thursday doesn't even start
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

i don't care if monday's black
tuesday wednesday heart attack
thursday never looking back
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can hold your head
tuesday wednesday stay in bed
or thursday watch the walls instead
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

dressed up to the eyes
it's a wonderful surprise
to see your shoes and your spirits rise
throwing out your frown
and just smiling at the sound
and as sleek as a shriek
spinning round and round
always take a big bite
it's such a gorgeous sight
to see you in the middle of the night
you can never get enough

enough of this stuff
IT'S FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE

I am definitely leaving my current job. When i wake up in the morning all i can think of is that I am so tired of my work and I do not wanna go anymore. It is too early for me to feeel so tired in a job and yet I feel this way. I am tired. I feel like there is no opportunity here for me. I am leaving even if I like the people I am working with. I am leaving.... I am leaving and I've made up my mind. I am leaving and I am sure I will be so relieved when I leave...
 
Besides I have another job waiting for me. Another opportunity better than this one. Although I haven't recieved the final call that confirms the employment, I am almost sure they will call me next week...hehe, that's what you call confidence...
 
moving on to another topic, last saturday Julie had a mini-birthday celebration in my place. there was a lot of food and Julie got wasted. After four beers Julie was laughing like mad. They all left at about 2 am and only Ego stayed behind and helped me clean out the mess that everyone left.
 
Today....
 
Today is another crappy day at work. Hmmm...what more can I say...
 
 

Para sa Isang kaibigan

Siya yung taong kumukumpleto sa buhay mo. Siya ang nagbibigay ng kulay sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo mo. Sa kaniya na umiikot ang mundo mo. Siya yung taong pag wala na parang ayaw mo ng mabuhay. Siya yung karugtong ng buhay mo.

Pero dumadating ang mga pagkakataon na nasasaktan ka...Masakit kahit alam mong wala kang karapatang masaktan. Ang alam mo lang ay nagkakasundo kayo at walang kaparis ang kaligayahan mo pag magkasama kayo at para sa iyo ito ang mahalaga. May nararamdaman ka para sa kanya at para sa iyo sapat na ito para ituring mong sayo siya. Mahirap yung mahal na mahal mo ang isang tao na sa puso at isipan mo ay inangkin mo na siya. tapos malalaman mong hindi naman pala para sayo. Masakit alam ko...Masakit pero kakayanin mo.

My past blog entries seem to be sad. And i haven't been really writing about my blog. So now i'll write about my weekend.

I went to area last saturday and I was a little dissapointed that only a few people were there. I hoped that there would be a lot of new members but it seems that they were not able to get as much in Escopa because there was no NSTPs this year. Still, it was a fun area day. Made me realize how happy I really am when I am with the Acilpeeps and when i am at the ateneo. I also saw Ego again. Am so thankful that he came to area after i bugged him the whole day friday to go to area with me. I would have spent more time with him but I had to go home to bulacan. Anyway here is a pic of us after area.


we were about to have lunch. =)

Earlier today, I learned that my closest cousin has gotten herself pregnant. Now she has to get married by August. Although the marriage was not anticipated and planned I am excited for her. She is already 28 and she could have a family. It is sad tough that I would not get to spend as much time with her, it will be different when she is married. But then again, I can't wait for the baby to come out. I swear I will spoil that kid. I will be his or her cool auntie elaine.

looking forward to the future....

It's been a week. I thought that keeping myself busy will get my mind off things. I now spend everyday working. At night I will be so tired that I almost always go straight to sleep. You'd think that I would not have the time to be bitter or to wallow in self-pity. Well, you're wrong. Because I still have moments when I feel so bitter. It's funny how it seems that I do not have enough time to finish everything that I have to do but I still always manage to have periods when I feel so down...

Am i just so unlucky when it comes to relationships? or maybe this is karma...Although I do not think that I deserve this karma. I might have done things that i am not so proud of but i think i never deserve to hurt as much as I am hurting now. Everyday, I learn something new about him. And everyday the pain intensifies...whoever said that time heals all wounds?

I probably just want to hear the truth. I want to hear that it is really over. I want this all to end.

Something does not fit in my life…

Something feels so wrong….

I want to say I am happy but I am not so sure. …

I am grateful of all the love I am receiving but I think there is something terribly wrong with me because I insist on the thing that I cannot have and ignore those that are just within my reach.

God, how I want to go back in time…just a year before…maybe I could have saved myself from hurting…

But on second thought…there were a lot of happy times…so I guess if I were to be back on the same situations, I would make the same decisions again….

Stupid me….

---------------------------------------------


On wating

Two months ago Nanan sent me this message (he got it from Cinema Paradiso):

Once upon a time there was a soldier who fell in love with a princess

To prove his love, he vowed to stay under the princess’ balcony for 100 days.

If the princess opened the window, it meant she didn’t love the soldier.

So he waited

But she never opened the window.

There were nights when the soldier felt so weary, but he stayed.

On the 99th night, he left.

The End…

* I would wait too…but like the soldier, I will have to give up sometime. The soldier and I might have different reasons for leaving but he left and I will leave just the same.

i miss my baby pamangkins...



that's kaitlin




and that's danielle

Nagiging bitter na nga yata ako, as Eufra reminded me yesterday after we heard mass. I can’t believe that I just started to cry when the choir sang a Jesuit song. I forgot the title but it goes like this “ wag mong naising lisanin kita, wala akong hangaring ika’y magisa…saan man magtungo, ako’y sasabay, magkabalikat sa ating paglakbay.” Hay, I really have to get over this sadness thing.

I just feel so tired about everything. Emotionally tired. Instead of feeling better as the days go by, I feel worse…It’s like at night I always pray that the next day everything will be better for me and then I wake up and find that nothing has changed and I have lost again. But the funny thing is that even tough I feel all the pain, I will still expect the same thing again tomorrow. It’s stupid, I know. I am so stupid.

Kiko asked me last night if I regretted anything. Did I regret the decision I made? Did I think it was wrong? I said no. I believe it can never be wrong because I was just true to what I believed in and felt. Although right now there is nothing else left to do but go on living my life. I have to give up fighting even if I don’t want to.

Now I have something else to wait for and look forward to… The morning that I wake up and feel better, so much better.

*Tomorrow is the 29th pala. How sad….

Totoo ba na may Happy Endings?

It started with one innocent text message. “pahiram naman ng book oh?” Then came the forwarded text messages. Then before you knew it, you were exchanging messages everyday.

He was extra nice to you. He would give you flowers even if there were really no occasion at all. He would offer to go everywhere with you and carry your stuff. He always found the excuse to bump into you in the hallway. During your regular dinners together with your other friends he would hold your hand under the table. He would stay up till morning just so you could have someone to talk to. You never bothered asking kung ano ba kayo. Basta you enjoyed the attention he was giving you. And you were happy again.

But somehow it did not feel right. He was not your type of guy. He does not fit into your pattern. Even your friends tell you na hindi kayo bagay. Minsan naiisip mo rin na hindi mo yata siya kayang ipagmalaki. But still you cannot deny that you are starting to fall for him. It starts to hurt when he does not make it to dinner or when he does not seem to remember you. You know you are falling for him because you now have expectations from him. You try to be reasonable. But as your friend said, kung reason ang kalaban you are as good as taken kasi the heart always wins over the mind. Kasi mas masarap yung feeling ng uncertainty..yung excitement na di mo alam mangyayari kasi things don’t add up but you are happy.

Then you realize something, you are just afraid. Masaya ka ngayon pero natatakot ka na baka di na siya maging consistent if ever magkatuluyan kayo or hinde. But one thing is obvious, takot kang mawala siya sa buhay mo. Kasi ang sarap pala ng pakiramdam ng may tao na laging andyan para sa iyo.

And then it happened. He finally asked you to be his girl. Kahit na natatakot ka magtaya, kahit na may mga bagay na hindi mo pa kayang harapin, umoo ka sa kaniya. Kasi you know that saying yes would make you both happy. And you do not want to deprive yourself of that happiness. Pero hindi mo man aminin, isa rin sa dahilan kaya mo siya sinagot ay dahil sa takot ka na baka mawala siya sa iyo if you turn him down. May trauma ka kasi when it comes to people leaving. Kasi whenever a person who has become a part of your life leaves, dinadala niya yung parte ng buhay mo na yon. Wherein you feel na you will not be complete again if the person does not return. Sinagot mo siya so that you can hold on to him. But more than that, sinagot mo siya because you know you love him at nagawa niyang palambutin ang puso mo.

You had two months together. Two months na halos araw araw magkasama kayo. Sa two months na yun lalo mo siyang minahal. You would wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and your first thoughts would be about him and the day ahead. And there were also nights when you would wake up beside him. You used to watch him as he slept. At times like that you imagine how it would be like to wake up beside him every morning. You can even imagine a life you can live together. You just knew that you could work everything out. Wala ka ng ikinahihiya kasi alam mo na your friends do not know him as well as you do. And you know that they understand that you are in love and that they are also happy for you. You pray that at last this is your happy ending.

But your happiness was cut short. He left. He left before you can show him how much you appreciate him. He left you with only the memories you had together. He left and you stopped dreaming. Although he said that he was coming back and although you told him that you would wait, even if it takes a long time, you cannot help but wonder if he really loves you as much as you thought he did. Because if you really love, you would not be able to give up the person you love so easily.

You know you still love him and somehow you are still dreaming that he will keep his promise and return. But it will be different. At this point you are not sure if you want to move on. At this point you do not know what to do. So in desperation you went out with someone else. You got drunk. You got drunk on purpose because you wanted an excuse for why you are going out with someone you do not like to be with. You just wanted to blame something else but yourself. The following day you realize that what you did only made you feel worse. You realize that nothing you can do will make the hurt disappear. Magdadasal ka na lang na isang araw magising ka at marealize mo na kaya mo na palang maging masaya ulit. Maaaring sa piling niya o sa piling ng iba. So much for your happy ending.

When I was a kid my brother loved playing all kinds of sports with me. He would practice basketball with me and sometimes table tennis. He loved playing with me because he always wins. I was never really good at any kind of sport. And whenever he beats me he would bug me about it. I tried to learn how to really play but I soon realized that I was not really gifted to be sporty. Yes, I may know how to play but I can never really be good at it. So I never really belonged to any team in high school.
But lately I’ve been playing with my high school friends because just having dinner or lunch with them gets boring after a while because we won’t have anything new to talk about. So since my other friends are sporty ( they actually belonged to the varsity team in high school) I try to play too. We went bowling and although my first attempts were really embarrassing I eventually learned how to throw the ball properly. I also tried brushing up on my billiard skills and I had a great time laughing at myself. And of course, the most popular sport lately, badminton. I have to say that I am getting better and I even know the rules now. =)
Ha, just a little more practice and maybe when my brother comes back home I can show him that I am better. And maybe beat him for once. =)

Waaa…there are weddings everywhere. Oh yeah, it’s June. Anyway, yesterday my high school teacher got married. It was a beautiful wedding. The bride and groom were crying. Hay, I love weddings. It’s such a happy occasion.
Now I turned on the TV and am watching Rated K. Guess what their topic is? Weddings, of course. Got me thinking about my own wedding tuloy. Haha, that is if I can find someone who will be willing to marry me. But siyempre I wouldn’t just settle with anyone except siguro if I am so desperate na. Probably when I am 50 and am not married still. Haha….

How do you really define love? How can you say that you have really fallen in love?

Whenever my friends and I would talk about our respective love lives or just philosophize about love I would always ask this question. I have been asked this question several times and I have never been able to supply a decent answer. I would always just shrug or change the subject. This is why I ask the questions a lot, hoping that someone can provide me the answer. I remember asking it to Jaja once, and she said that she believes that until she has found the right person for her she would not know how to define love.

Up to now I cannot still answer the question, does this mean that I have never really truly loved yet? I have had relationships before and I always cry when a relationship ends. There comes the sad phase which usually lasts for a month or so. After crying it out, I move on. A friend keeps telling me that I move on so easily. He says that I do not give my all when I love because of how easily I seem to move on. But I do not think that the length of time it takes for you to move on do not determine how much you loved or if you have loved at all. I alone could say that I have truly loved.

I may not be able to explain what love is. I may not be able to define and describe love. But I believe that love is too complex to be explained. You do not try to define love. You just feel and experience it.

-------------------------------------

Your Eyes
from Rent the musical

Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes
How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
'Cause there's something I should have told you
Yes there's something I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before this song dies
I should tell you I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes

Get Here


You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer


You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can

I have been staring at my monitor for a while now thinking about what to write. I just decided to start writing and post whatever it is i come up with.

I have just finished reading an essay that i found in peyups.com (thanks to nanan for telling me about the website). The article was entitled I refuse to... I was touched with the article. But I was thinking that it is easy to write it all down but when you try and really do what you have written, you will find that it is really hard. I suppose moving on cannot be forced, you can tell yourself that you have to move on and that you are moving on but it does not happen instantly. Read the article na lang.

I am still waiting... Although I am tired of waiting, I still wait. There is nothing more I could do right now. I try to believe that I could wait for as long as it takes but lately i have been having second thoughts. If you were in a relationship that makes you frustated and gives you more pain than happiness would you persist with it? I don't know if there is a right answer to the question but I persist, for now. It's stupid, i know. Almost all of my friends cannot understand why I wait when they say that someone who will choose practicality over my love is not worth it. When I think about it, I also do not understand. There is no logic with all of this. All I know is that I would still bear all the pain because for me the short moments when I am happy with him makes the pain worth it.

I wait and my waiting helps me get through each day. Every night I sleep with the prayer that when I wake up in the morning, I will find that my waiting is over.

Everything at home is either not working properly or not working at all. I am at one of those computer stations right now because our phone just stopped working. Our line just went dead even if we always pay the bill ahead of time. My mom have been going to the PLDT offices everyday since our phone went dead and it has been a week, the phone still is not working.

Our cable is fucked up. You cannot watch anything decently because the reception is not good. My mom shouted at the people who provides us with our cable and that was the only time that they fixed the cable.

Without a phone and a decent thing to watch I could not help but get bored and start thinking about things that would only make me sad. And that would not be good, I vowed that I would keep my mind of sad things as mmuch as possible so in desperation I watched the three LOTR movies in one sitting. It was really long, but it was good. I can't believe I wasn't interested in it until now. Yeah, i also believe that there is still good in this world. Of course there is.

If there is no good in this world then i wouldn't have my friends to comfort me when i am down. I owe a lot to those friends. They are not only there when i have problems but sometimes they even solve my problems for me. I am so lucky. =)

Do you know that I started writing again because of you?

Do you know that when we take a walk together at night, I would look up the heavens and thank God for you?

Do you know that I worry so much about you?

Do you know that I feel so safe and loved when you hold me?

Do you know that I love running my fingers down your hair?

Do you know that I do not understand why this had to happen to us?

Do you know that I keep the petals of all the flowers you have ever given me beside my bed?

Do you know that I bought your perfume and I'd spray it on my bedsheets so that I could pretend that you're beside me as I sleep?

Do you know that I miss hanging out with you even if we just do nothing?

Do you know how much I love you and how much I blame myself for what is happening to us?

Do you know that you are the only person who have hurt me this much and yet I do not hate you?

Do you know that I often listen to the tape we made for my project just to hear your voice?

Do you know that there are moments when I so badly want to hug you but you are not there?

Do you know that I miss it whenever you would just let me cry and hold me until there were no more tears?

Do you know that I wake up in the middle of the night because of the cold, now that you are not here to place a blanket over me when I fall asleep?

Do you know that nobody looks after me anymore when I am sick?

Do you know that I often dream that I am with you again and it is as if you were never gone?

Do you know how hurt I am that you do not seem to care anymore?

Do you know that I am missing you so much?

Do you know how much I am crying now?

And do you know that you are the only person who can stop me from crying?

the song describes what I am feeling right now...I can sing it over and over again....

WHAT CAN I DO

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
and I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doin wrong

What can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?/and love me

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows it might feel better, yeah
If I don't try and I don't hope

no more waiting
no more aching
no more fighting
no more trying

maybe there's nothing more to say
and in a funny way I'm calm
because the power is not mine
and I'm just gonne let it fly

---

almost like what i'm feeling now...but i'm not yet giving up hoping, fighting and trying...still hoping for a miracle...maybe one day soon, by some miracle, i'd find him standing before me and smiling at me...Maybe everything is not true, maybe it's his practical joke for me...maybe, just maybe he'll be here again....and these maybes keep me going, keep me hoping....

The previous week in a glance…

May 17 and 18: Spent the two days in Zambales. It was the first time that I went overnight to a beach with my high school friends Portia and Tin. We swam in the pool, watched the sunset in the beach. We tried making sand castles, tried playing badminton even if it was windy and learned to play billiards. On the way home we passed by Subic and bought pasalubong for Milet who sadly cannot come with us.

May 19 – 21: my family and me went to Thailand. Bangkok looks very similar to the Philippines although their economy is much better. We had a fun time shopping. We also got the chance to see the city with all its temples and restaurants that served really spicy food. My father and brother visited Bangkok’s red district and they said that it was really very interesting.

May 22: it was ate jeng’s birthday and we went to clowns, a sing along bar, to drink and watch the gay people make fun of their audience. But there were one or two people who sang really well.

May 23: At last I was home in Bulacan again. We were supposed to go to tagaytay but it was raining really hard and the twins had colds so they decided to cancel the trip. We just had lunch together. I was really sleepy so I went to sleep immediately when I got home. Just woke up to hear mass.

yesterday, i went to Manila for a job interview. It was the longest interview i ever had. It lasted for almost 45 mins. I didn't know if that was a good or bad sign. There were several questions that i really did not prepare for so i ended up saying the first things that would pop into my mind. Afterwards, when i was able to think about the interview, i realized that i might have said some stupid things.I had to get over the interview because i was meeting my cousin. We met and then we had dinner, i left dinner early because i was supposed to meet up with a friend. We watched troy and i guess i would have appreciated the movie better if i wasn't so tired and if it wasn't so late. But my friend treated me to the movie so it was okay, at least i didn't fell asleep in the middle of the movie.

Went home to Pasig to find all my cousins crammed in our small apartment. It was very funny and amazing how we were able to fit in our place. I went to bed late thinking that i can sleep late but i had to wake up at 6 am, 3 hours after i fell asleep. I couldn't fall asleep again because i was playing at looking after the twins. We all went home to Bulacan in the afternoon. Now i just got home, tired and sleepy. So i'll sleep na.

The past week has been full of activity for me. It feels like the summer has just started for me even though it’s starting to rain almost every afternoon. Last Sunday, we had the birthday party for my twin nieces. The kids really enjoyed themselves. The next day was the elections day. I bummed for a day and voted in the afternoon. I cannot really say that I was a responsible voter because I just voted for the people who were recommended by my mom.

Right now, we just got home from a beach in Bolinao, Pangasinan. We were just there for the night and that was enough time to decide that we will not be going back to that place in the near future. They had such poor service and the place was a 4 hour drive. We thought that the beach will be beautiful because of the promotion the resort was getting so we figured that the long drive would be worth it. We were wrong. We got there a half past 12 really hungry because we did not have lunch yet. Guess how long it took for lunch to come? 2 FREAKIN HOURS!!!! We were eating lunch when the other people were already having their meriendas. In addition to this, they gave our reserved villas to other tourists so my cousin had an argument with the resort attendant. When we finally got our rooms and had the chance to look at the beach we found out that seaweeds are floating on the shore. There were no waves and there was nothing to do at the beach. It was so frustrating. Good thing they had a pool and a Jacuzzi. So we ended up staying in the pool. My other cousins were saying that we could have just been in one of the pools near our home; at least it won’t be that expensive.

I had no signal for the two days that we spent in Bolinao, so I received all my messages on the way home. I received a message from Rean and Jaja that said that I passed in the Ateneo law school. I didn’t know what to do. I was scheduled for an interview tomorrow in San Miguel and I am almost assured of a job. Now that I passed ateneo everyone keeps telling me na saying naman if I gave up the slot because a lot of people want so bad to get into the Ateneo. Problem is I do not know what to do now. I want to try working but I’m afraid that if I get dissatisfied with my work I would regret my decision in not going through with law school. Or if I choose to go to law school and not pass the bar I might be too old to get a nice job that I want. I know that I have to take a risk in whatever I choose.

I still haven’t decided totally on what to do but the best decision I have come up with is to accept the job and try it out for a year. If I am dissatisfied, I can go back to law school with the thinking that if I passed law school this year, I can also pass it next year. I hope I don’t make the wrong choice….

I wasn't able to access the internet lately because our phone was not working since tuesday. It was the town fiesta pa naman. For some reason, the fiesta this year was not that fun. My high school friends were there and so were my college friends. But it still felt incomplete. Maybe because it was a weekday and there were not as much people or maybe i was just missing someone so badly.

Last thursday, Melissa, Tin, Portia and I went to greenhills. It was kind of an adventure because we commuted from bulacan to greenhills. I wanted to buy a gift for mom for mother's day but while i was looking for stuff i realized how hard it is to give her a material gift because she has everything she wants already. So i figured i will just write her a letter, after all, that would have more value than anything i can buy.

Earlier, my mom asked me to go with her to my cousin's house. Ate gladysjust came home from the states. Her twin daughters and her husband was with her. The kids are cute. I bet they grow up to be really beautiful ladies.

----------------------------------------------
have you experienced being the confidant of a person about his failed love lyf and the person's ex-gf is one of your closest friends? it's hard being in the middle of things you don't really wanna be involved in...

Para kay Star sa Kanyang Di-Inaasahang Pagpanaw

Hindi ko gaanong nasubaybayan ang iyong paglaki. Kasalanan ko rin dahil palagi akong wala, bihira na lamang umuwi. Kaya nga sa mga panahon na umuuwi ako palagi akong nagdadalawang isip sa paglapit sayo dahil baka hindi mo na ako kilala o baka galit ka sa akin. Nakakalungkot isipin na mas napalapit ka pa sa aking ina. Ang nanay ko ang nagpapakain sayo, nagaalaga, pinapagamot kapag nagkakasakit ka at nagging tagadisiplina mo. Samantalang ako, nagaaral sa malayo, ni hindi ko na nalaman kung ano ang mga bagay na paborito mong ginagawa, hindi ko na nalaman kung ano ang mga paborito mong pagkain. At kapag nakikita kita, nagugulat na lamang ako dahil lalo kang lumalaki at lumulusog. Gusto man kitang lapitan at yakapin, himasin gaya ng dati, hindi ko magawa dahil ilang ka sa akin.
Tandang tanda ko pa ang araw na ipanganak ka, paano ko ba naman makakalimutan ang araw na iyon dahil sumabay ang paglabas mo sa mga paputok sa pagdiriwang ng karamihan ng bagong taon. Sa inyong tatlong magkakapatid, alam ko ng ikaw ang pinakamalakas. Alam ko na lalaban ka dahil gusto mong mabuhay. Napakalungkot ng namatay ang dalawa mong kapatid kaya hinagkan kita malapit sa puso ko at nagpasalamat ako sa Diyos na nasa akin ka pa. Sa mga unang araw mo sa mundo ay ako ang nagbibigay ng gatas mo. Sa hapon, tuwang tuwa ako sa panunuod sayo habang himbing na himbing ka sa pagtulog. Sa gabi, habang sinusubukan mong maglakad ay nakaabang ako at tinutulungan ka sa iyong pagtayo. Ipinagmalaki kita dahil kahit ilang beses kang nahulog ay tuloy ka parin sa pagtatangkang maglakad. Pero bago mo matutuhan na tumakbo ay kinailangan ko ng umalis. Niyakap kita ng mahigpit at sa aking pagtalikod ay narinig ko ang isang hikbi mula sa yo.
Hindi na kita nasubaybayan mula noong umalis ako. At ngayon napakalaki ng pagsisi ko dahil inakala ko na sa aking paguwi ay makakasama na kita at maaari na akong bumawi sa’yo. Malaking pagsisi dahil hindi na mangyayari yun kailanman. Isang gabi, unakyat ang aking ina sa kwarto ko at malungkot na sinabing wala ka na. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin o gagawin ko sa mga oras na yon. Nakita ko na lamang na nakahiga ka na. Hindi ko kinaya na tingnan ka pa kaya umalis na lamang ako. Naisip ko na lang na hindi tama na wala ka na. Napakabata mo pa, halos dalawang taon ka pa lang. Mas marami ka pa sanang mapapaligaya at nakasama pa sana kita ng mas matagal. Nakbawi pa sana ako sayo.
Bukas ay ililibing ka na. Hindi ko na ito sasaksihan dahil hindi ko mapipigilang umiyak. Maraming mga bagay ang hindi na mangyayari ngayong wala ka na. Wala ng tatahol upang batiin ako tuwing dadating ako sa bahay. Wala ng maglalambing na himasin ko tuwing dadaan ako sa harapan niya. Wala ng magbabantay sa nanay ko kapag wala siyang kasama sa gabi. Maraming marami pang mga bagay na hahanap – hanapin ko. Sana na lang Star ay masaya ka. Kung nasan ka man, sana ay maraming laruan diyan. Sana ay nakakatakbo ka ng malayo dahil alam kung gusting gusto mo ang pagtakbo. At sana rin ay may tao diyan na hihimas sayo pag naglalambing ka at pakakainin ka pag nagugutom ka. Habambuhay ka sa aking alaala.

And finally you are writing it down because you want to prove to yourself that you have moved on. You believe that by writing everything down you will be free from the guilt and you will be able to finally convince yourself, your friends, and your family, that you are ready to love another person again. You admit that for the past years you have been longing for him to come back to you, to tell you how sorry he is that he left. You admit that on certain nights you still dream of him and what could have been. But you insist that it is over. And you go on with your life as if he never happened. You ignore the times that you remember him and you say to yourself that you really do not miss him; you just miss the moments and the feeling of happiness and love. But you do not miss the person. You are so successful in convincing yourself that you have moved on that you start entertaining suitors. You agree to go out on dates and you realize that you are starting to enjoy the dates and the gimiks. Months pass and you are back to your old, bubbly self again. You are happy and contented. You even think that you have fallen in love with an old buddy of yours. Everything is going fine for you and you are so proud of yourself. Until…
You saw him again. You thought that you could go casually up to him and say hi. After all, you have gotten over him. But when you stood before him, all of the feelings you had for him resurfaced. Maybe they never went away and you just repressed it at the back of your mind. But now he is here and you do not understand what you are feeling. You stood there for a long time not knowing what to do until he finally pulls you towards him and hugs you. He doesn’t say anything and you know that you do not need words to understand what he is trying to tell you. You cried and cried and he never asked why. He just hugged you and held you until there were no more tears. Afterwards, you said your goodbyes and once again he walked away from you leaving you with his scent and the memory of his smile. When you go home, you sit down on your desk and start to write and the cycle begins again…

Lately I've been bored and lonely. Have you ever missed someone so bad that you don't get to enjoy the usual things that make you happy because you wish you were with that someone? well, it's hard. It's ironic because yesterday i was with the company of my college friends and it was cool because we got to catch up on each other's lives but somehow it felt incomplete because i wanted someone to be there but the person's not.

Enough of that, it's just making me more sad. I'm beggining to experience the realities in life. The reality that I need a job because I can't keep on depending on my parents for everything. They pay for my phone bill, the gasoline for my car, evertything. I don't even go out too much lately because i'm broke. So I really need a job but unlike my batchmates who are walking the streets of Makati and passing Resumes to companies, I sit at home and wish that a miracle would happen and I would land a good job. Well maybe if I close my eyes and pray hard enough then the miracle would happen. haha, impossible. I know I will get a job...when I start searching for one. =) Maybe I still want to bum around for a while. JUst for another month. =)

Just a while ago I recieved an MMS from a number i am not familiar with. There was a picture of my dog atlas. Atlas was the dog that Bok and I bought. So I assumed the message came from him. It seems that since i went home here in Bulacan, i see things connected to him even if i am trying to avoid all of it. Just yesterday after playing badminton i saw Joey, one of his barkada. He said they were going to puerto galera so i suppose they are there right now. I hope he's doing fine and having fun.

i went to a children's birthday party kanina and if I ever hear another otso otso or pamela one in the next few hours I will really scream my head out. It was all I heard during the party. I guess I am just getting old.

right now, i'm passing my time away by watching home along d airport. Pathetic!!!

I went to a job interview in Makati today. They made me wait for the whole morning but in the end they offered me the job. The benefits and salary that they offered were good but I really do not want the job because I prefer working in HR rather than in Sales. I said I would call back after the holy week to tell them if I will accept the job. I don’t know what I am waiting for because I have already made my decision and I am not taking that job. I do not want to start working in a field I am not happy in.

After Makati, Marvin and I had lunch. I wanted to eat at Eyrie but there was no Eyrie. I hope it is just being renovated because I will really miss the place if they do not open again. We watched Looney tunes on vcd but halfway through the movie, I fell asleep.

I am so bored with my life. Well at least I have Marvin to hang around with.

I think last Monday and Tuesday were one of the best days I had recently. We went to the beach with my closest college friends. Admittedly, there were lots of problems and it was very difficult to organize the outing but we knew that it will still turn out okay and it did. I never had so much fun and there was so much food. Many thanks to the seniors who enjoyed those wacky two days with me: Julie (who wore a two piece bathing suit and worried that her camera had no batteries), Anne (who was, as usual, her bubbly self), Re (who kept on singing “where is tall man”), Milet ( who drove all the way from Manila to Quezon and never complained that she was tired), Cha (who slept early and missed the charades and inuman), Buen (who prepared our very delicious meals), Aja (who slipped on the rug and was captured on camera), Ego (who was very patient in teaching me to swim properly and dive), RM (who gave me the bruise in my eye), Jay ( who organized the whole thing *clap clap*) and Marvin (who walked with me to the beach). Hay, that is one of the memories I will keep looking back on.

this is a shot of all of us.


Wednesday, I was able to see Patty at last. I realized how I really missed her and our escapades when we were still back at the dorm. After watching a movie with Patty, I attended the Blue Roast. First time I saw Gelo so decent, wearing polo, glasses and shoes. Not his usual shirt, cap and slippers. I guess the fact that we are all adults now is sinking in.

Thursday, pig out the whole day with Kit, Ego and Marvin. Marvin wanted to go to UP to recopy his grad pics so we went there and had lunch. We went back to the ACIL room and I slept. When I woke up Re and Milet wanted to eat isaw so we went back to UP and ate again. After that we picked up Nanan and we all went to Marikina for the bumpcars. It was so much fun although the guys were bumping me really hard. Adterwards, we ate again. Hmm…the life of a bum

Friday, graduation day at last. The ceremony didn’t last very long. I liked the speech of the valedictorian, I was tearing up but I tried to contain it because nobody else was crying. After the ceremony, I found my friends and while our pictures were being taken I was so sad because I knew that it will be a long time before all of us come together again. But I have to accept the fact that it is inevitable and it is not so bad because we will all still be friends even if we do not see each other everyday.

Sunday, went to Pampanga to attend Anne’s grad/despedida party. I could not really look at her because she kept on crying and when she cries I end up crying too. I told her I understood why she had to leave but I really don’t. I wanted to stop her and tell her that she doesn’t really have to go but of course that would be very selfish of me. I just hate the fact that she would be really far from me and I am not used to that. I guess, I have to start getting use to it now.

I have been bumming around for the past few days and I know that I have to do something about it. I’ll start going to job interviews starting this week so I can tell myself that I am doing something about my future.

Discernment. Discernment. Discernment.

For the past three days I’ve been trying to discern what I will do with my life. Name your crossroads and then choose the path that you think God wants you to choose. I stayed still and quiet hoping that I will hear God’s voice but the only thing I heard was the wind blowing through the pine trees and the birds chirping above me. I guess I just expected too much from the retreat, I expected to immediately have answers to my questions. I guess I expected too much so I feel so dissatisfied right now. I keep blaming it to other people, that the other retreatants were not strict with the silence. The retreat was too fast-paced for me…
I can complain all I want but in the end I am still stuck with my problem. I haven’t reached any decision yet. I do not know which path I should choose. The retreat director said that I should live life to the fullest. Carpe diem. I really am trying to seize the day and I understand that discernment is a process and I should not expect to have an answer right away but I just hope that whatever decision I will end up making will be the right one. I have been making wrong decisions all my life but now the decision I have to make would determine what I would become for the rest of my life. I hope I make the decision that would make the people that I love proud of me. For now, I will look at the past and the now and examine everything so I could see my options more clearly.

Seize the day and enjoy your life in the process….

yey, i have a cool layout.. yey, tnx so much to Ego. Really appreciate it. Astig na rin blog ko. He stayed up till four am to work on my blog. yey, super thank you talaga. Tapos aga ko pa cya ginising. hehehe.
Neway, i had my last official area in Escopa yesterday. Quite sad that i would be leaving our kids. But i promised myself that i will definitely go back even if i was already working. hay, i will definitely miss the marco polos, mang digs and the kids dancing otso otso, pamela and spaghetti. Kahit most of the time gusto ko na silang patayin dahil ang kulit nila.
After area, tambay mode with Ge, Ja, Ego and Marvin. I didn't stay long coz i really wanted to sleep. Only had two hours of sleep coz of the Senior's night and reading all the letters. I recieved Marvin's letter nga pala. Nakaka-touch coz he notices even the smallest of details... =)
Kit and Ego came over to work on my blog. Kit messed around with my laptop. Nervous moments when they couldn't get my computer to open again. when kit fell asleep on the living room couch, ego was able to really start on my blog and upload his new layout. I repeatedly got disconnected from the internet. Damn server. When Master Showman came on air i almost died laughing. I guess i got too tired from laughing that i finally fell asleep. Ego kept waking me up...after a while di na niya ko nakayang gisingin.
Woke up because of Jules calling. After i dressed up, saw Ego already awake and i dragged him to Greenhills.
Cool, i haven't been to greenhills for a while. I wanted to buy lots of things but i didn't have enough money with me. I realized it's hard going shopping with guys coz they kept on going inside hobby shops. And Jules treated us to lunch. thanks jules.
When i finally got home, my brother and his girl was fiddling with the laptop so i ended up watching movies on DVD.
I'm going to the retreat tomorrow and i just finished packing. I also wouldn't be able to update my blog for the following days because of the retreat. Hope it will be fruitful.

hay, just got home from senior's night. It was fun and i really appreciate all the trouble the undergrads did for the program. It was beautiful. Pinaghirapan talaga pero somehow i went home dissapointed. I was not dissapointed na hindi maganda yung senior's night. Ok siya, sobrang astig. I am dissapointed with myself. I didn't feel anything. minsan naiisip ko na stoic talaga ko masyado. I wanted to cry but i can't. KOnting luha lang. I wonder why i wasn't able to cry, being the crybaby that i am. Hindi pa talaga siguro nagsink in. Iniisip ko kasi magkikita pa kami, sa blue roast, sa outing, sa grad...
Only three people made me cry, when i was hugging Millette, when i was reading Ego's letter, and while i was saying goodbye to Jeff. It was a very beautiful moment, looking at the lights in MArikina and all the stars shining down on us.
I didn't really want to go home. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to stay. I wanted to tell the people that i love them in person. I guess i just wanted to be assured that i won't be forgotten. That 10 years from now, i could go back to the Ateneo and still see the old bus. pass by colayco and see the ACIL rum where i spent almost half of my college life in. If i was not in class, i was in the ACIL room.
I'm specially thankful for kate who did my tribute box. She was amazing. She got me letters from my old roommate Patty, even from Allen. There was one message that intrigued me...i wonder who it's from.
Anyway, although i had a blast i still wish i wouldn't have to leave ACIL behind. If only i could stop the time...

I saw Earl today. It was not by any accident, I knew he would be there. I didn’t know what I hoped to accomplish by seeing him. Well, we looked at each other for a long time. Sizing each other up. He looks good, although it is obvious that he is stressed. I was buying diapers for Annabelle’s baby and he ask me what the diapers were for. I kidded around, told him it was for my baby. I don’t know if it was a joke or if he was serious but he said that he does not use diapers for his baby, he uses “lampin.” It bothered me that I do not know if he really is married.

Seeing him again brought back the feelings from the past. Yes, I still love him. I have always loved him. I love him now but not with the intensity of before. I love him but not with the passion of before. I love him but I do not long for him anymore. It is a different kind of love. I do not want him back. I have moved on. I have moved on but I never forgot. I was still able to recognize him even from miles away. The back of his head was so familiar. I remember I loved his hair. I loved to run my fingers through it. But that was all in the past now. If I want anything to happen right now, it would be to have him as a friend again. We were good friends before everything good messed up. He was my best friend. It is such a shame that it is so awkward to be with him right now. I can see he feels the same.

I would have loved to talk to him. Make things a little bit clearer about us. Tell him that my Mom wonders why he is never around the house anymore. But I had to leave. He said he was in a hurry. We went our own ways once again leaving everything hanging. There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to explain to him. So much I wanted him to understand. But I guess now is not the time. Aasa na lang ako…. Bukas, makalawa baka magkita ulit kami baka sa pagkakataon na yun magkaayos na kami.

I was thinking about what I was going to write today and I couldn’t come up with anything exciting or interesting. I ended up reading Julie’s blog. She doesn’t know I read her blog and maybe does not even know that I have my own blog already. When I think about it, Julie’s one of the girls I really admire. Yes, I’ve seen her cry a million times but she gets back on her feet and learns from her mistakes. Basta, she’s a good friend. One of the few that I will really miss after college.

Last night, I got to chat with Gelo in Yahoo. It was funny because he was in the “doctor love” mode. My love life’s very complicated right now. It’s the classic case of the battle between your heart and your mind. I was insisting to Gelo that I was a very logical person so I really did not have a problem. But he kept on insisting that what is important is that I am happy and following my heart will make me happy. “mahirap pero kakayanin mo kasi nagmamahal ka” He got me there. I do not even wanna resolve this problem right now but I know putting it off will not do any good. I am such an escapist. Ayokong magtaya kasi ayokong masaktan. I would rather hide from the situation because I am too afraid to face it. Pero I know I am hurting people in the process. Sobrang melodramatic na yata ako.

On a lighter note, my grades are okay. I haven’t yet computed my QPI but at least I got grades that I deserved. I woke up late (as usual, hehe). I paid for my retreat, for the senior’s night. I was broke once again, tsk tsk, it’s hard being unemployed. I haven’t even paid all my debts to Julie for the thesis expenses and for the blue roast ticket. How can I ask money from my parents when they have already given me so much?! I really am broke.

I went to UP with Ja and Gelo to have my Grad Pic recopied, Gelo was teasing me about our talk last night. Grrr…..i appreciate all his advice but I wish he wouldn’t mention it. EVER. Then off to Bulacan again. Marvin and Webs accompanied me home. There was heavy traffic but at least I have people to talk to. Marvin is so sweet he bought me muffins from Kenny Rogers. =)

whew. at last i can make my own blog. after the hell weeks in school and after all the complaining i did about me having so much to do. Ironic that after everything, i kind of miss it. i miss all the readings, i miss doing papers and group works, even more amazingly i miss cramming for exams.
waah....i've been having the senior syndrome for a while now.
must stop now before i start crying...
besides, i have to attend mass already then i'm back to manila again.