Thursday, June 24, 2004

Totoo ba na may Happy Endings?

It started with one innocent text message. “pahiram naman ng book oh?” Then came the forwarded text messages. Then before you knew it, you were exchanging messages everyday.

He was extra nice to you. He would give you flowers even if there were really no occasion at all. He would offer to go everywhere with you and carry your stuff. He always found the excuse to bump into you in the hallway. During your regular dinners together with your other friends he would hold your hand under the table. He would stay up till morning just so you could have someone to talk to. You never bothered asking kung ano ba kayo. Basta you enjoyed the attention he was giving you. And you were happy again.

But somehow it did not feel right. He was not your type of guy. He does not fit into your pattern. Even your friends tell you na hindi kayo bagay. Minsan naiisip mo rin na hindi mo yata siya kayang ipagmalaki. But still you cannot deny that you are starting to fall for him. It starts to hurt when he does not make it to dinner or when he does not seem to remember you. You know you are falling for him because you now have expectations from him. You try to be reasonable. But as your friend said, kung reason ang kalaban you are as good as taken kasi the heart always wins over the mind. Kasi mas masarap yung feeling ng uncertainty..yung excitement na di mo alam mangyayari kasi things don’t add up but you are happy.

Then you realize something, you are just afraid. Masaya ka ngayon pero natatakot ka na baka di na siya maging consistent if ever magkatuluyan kayo or hinde. But one thing is obvious, takot kang mawala siya sa buhay mo. Kasi ang sarap pala ng pakiramdam ng may tao na laging andyan para sa iyo.

And then it happened. He finally asked you to be his girl. Kahit na natatakot ka magtaya, kahit na may mga bagay na hindi mo pa kayang harapin, umoo ka sa kaniya. Kasi you know that saying yes would make you both happy. And you do not want to deprive yourself of that happiness. Pero hindi mo man aminin, isa rin sa dahilan kaya mo siya sinagot ay dahil sa takot ka na baka mawala siya sa iyo if you turn him down. May trauma ka kasi when it comes to people leaving. Kasi whenever a person who has become a part of your life leaves, dinadala niya yung parte ng buhay mo na yon. Wherein you feel na you will not be complete again if the person does not return. Sinagot mo siya so that you can hold on to him. But more than that, sinagot mo siya because you know you love him at nagawa niyang palambutin ang puso mo.

You had two months together. Two months na halos araw araw magkasama kayo. Sa two months na yun lalo mo siyang minahal. You would wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and your first thoughts would be about him and the day ahead. And there were also nights when you would wake up beside him. You used to watch him as he slept. At times like that you imagine how it would be like to wake up beside him every morning. You can even imagine a life you can live together. You just knew that you could work everything out. Wala ka ng ikinahihiya kasi alam mo na your friends do not know him as well as you do. And you know that they understand that you are in love and that they are also happy for you. You pray that at last this is your happy ending.

But your happiness was cut short. He left. He left before you can show him how much you appreciate him. He left you with only the memories you had together. He left and you stopped dreaming. Although he said that he was coming back and although you told him that you would wait, even if it takes a long time, you cannot help but wonder if he really loves you as much as you thought he did. Because if you really love, you would not be able to give up the person you love so easily.

You know you still love him and somehow you are still dreaming that he will keep his promise and return. But it will be different. At this point you are not sure if you want to move on. At this point you do not know what to do. So in desperation you went out with someone else. You got drunk. You got drunk on purpose because you wanted an excuse for why you are going out with someone you do not like to be with. You just wanted to blame something else but yourself. The following day you realize that what you did only made you feel worse. You realize that nothing you can do will make the hurt disappear. Magdadasal ka na lang na isang araw magising ka at marealize mo na kaya mo na palang maging masaya ulit. Maaaring sa piling niya o sa piling ng iba. So much for your happy ending.

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