Thursday, July 29, 2004

You said: "Do you really think I have a life here?"

Do I? Tell me why I would not think that when it seems to me that you have adjusted with the life there. You moved to live on your own and you now work. I do not know what's happening to you, all i know is that you are not here. You do not tell me anything anymore so I can only assume that you probably prefer being there. Thinking that you've started a new life there helped me let go of you. I am still bitter but I know at least I don't hope for much right now. I' ve let you go and i've stopped fighting for this.

You said: " Why won't you bleieve me when i say I'm coming back? I've told you over and over that I'll be back..."

I know you've told me that you'll be back about a dozen times. I know you'll be back and I believe you. But the longer the time that you are away, more things change between us. We are both at the point in our lives where a lot is changing, we could have met the changes together but you left. When we finally see each other I am sure we will be two different people. Not anymore like the carefree students we were when we met but people who have seen how it is to live life independently. Even if you say otherwise, even if you assure me that nothing will change with you, I cannot force myself to believe that. I guess I am stubborn that way.

You said: " I just want you to be happy. I am doing this because I do not want to hurt you. I only want what would make you happy..."

Really now? You think that doing this will make me happy? But why on Earth am I hurting? Maybe you don't know me that well. If you would just ask what would really make me happy, I only have one answer - YOU... 

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I have just told our managing director that I am leaving the job. She did not comment, she did not say anything. It was like she knew that I was planning to do this for a while now. One of my officemates said that our manager has learned to be neutral to every person she handles that tells her that they are leaving. In our group almost half has left since she started handling the team. I think that we who are leaving all have the same sentiments. She does not really know how to handle people. Sometimes she has the tendency to treat us all as her assistants, which we are not. In my case where I do not really need the income but rather the experience and training, It is relatively easier for me to make the decision to leave. Although I will be unemployed again, it does not bother me so much. I guess I would have tried to make this work if the job I was doing is fulfilling but it is not. I just cannot find the motivation. All that's left to do now is print out my resignation letter and talk to the president of the company. It's funny that I am not even nervous. It's funny how I am so looking forward to all the free time that I am going to get again.

I wish life was more simple than this.

Signing off.....


Saturday, July 24, 2004

YEHEY!!!! It's Friday!!!! It's the weekend again..

I can sing all day long

 Friday, I'm in Love
i don't care if monday's blue
tuesday's grey and wednesday too
thursday i don't care about you
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can fall apart
tuesday wednesday break my heart
thursday doesn't even start
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

i don't care if monday's black
tuesday wednesday heart attack
thursday never looking back
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can hold your head
tuesday wednesday stay in bed
or thursday watch the walls instead
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

dressed up to the eyes
it's a wonderful surprise
to see your shoes and your spirits rise
throwing out your frown
and just smiling at the sound
and as sleek as a shriek
spinning round and round
always take a big bite
it's such a gorgeous sight
to see you in the middle of the night
you can never get enough

enough of this stuff

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I am definitely leaving my current job. When i wake up in the morning all i can think of is that I am so tired of my work and I do not wanna go anymore. It is too early for me to feeel so tired in a job and yet I feel this way. I am tired. I feel like there is no opportunity here for me. I am leaving even if I like the people I am working with. I am leaving.... I am leaving and I've made up my mind. I am leaving and I am sure I will be so relieved when I leave...
Besides I have another job waiting for me. Another opportunity better than this one. Although I haven't recieved the final call that confirms the employment, I am almost sure they will call me next week...hehe, that's what you call confidence...
moving on to another topic, last saturday Julie had a mini-birthday celebration in my place. there was a lot of food and Julie got wasted. After four beers Julie was laughing like mad. They all left at about 2 am and only Ego stayed behind and helped me clean out the mess that everyone left.
Today is another crappy day at work. Hmmm...what more can I say...

Monday, July 12, 2004

Para sa Isang kaibigan

Siya yung taong kumukumpleto sa buhay mo. Siya ang nagbibigay ng kulay sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo mo. Sa kaniya na umiikot ang mundo mo. Siya yung taong pag wala na parang ayaw mo ng mabuhay. Siya yung karugtong ng buhay mo.

Pero dumadating ang mga pagkakataon na nasasaktan ka...Masakit kahit alam mong wala kang karapatang masaktan. Ang alam mo lang ay nagkakasundo kayo at walang kaparis ang kaligayahan mo pag magkasama kayo at para sa iyo ito ang mahalaga. May nararamdaman ka para sa kanya at para sa iyo sapat na ito para ituring mong sayo siya. Mahirap yung mahal na mahal mo ang isang tao na sa puso at isipan mo ay inangkin mo na siya. tapos malalaman mong hindi naman pala para sayo. Masakit alam ko...Masakit pero kakayanin mo.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

My past blog entries seem to be sad. And i haven't been really writing about my blog. So now i'll write about my weekend.

I went to area last saturday and I was a little dissapointed that only a few people were there. I hoped that there would be a lot of new members but it seems that they were not able to get as much in Escopa because there was no NSTPs this year. Still, it was a fun area day. Made me realize how happy I really am when I am with the Acilpeeps and when i am at the ateneo. I also saw Ego again. Am so thankful that he came to area after i bugged him the whole day friday to go to area with me. I would have spent more time with him but I had to go home to bulacan. Anyway here is a pic of us after area.

we were about to have lunch. =)

Earlier today, I learned that my closest cousin has gotten herself pregnant. Now she has to get married by August. Although the marriage was not anticipated and planned I am excited for her. She is already 28 and she could have a family. It is sad tough that I would not get to spend as much time with her, it will be different when she is married. But then again, I can't wait for the baby to come out. I swear I will spoil that kid. I will be his or her cool auntie elaine.

looking forward to the future....

Friday, July 09, 2004

It's been a week. I thought that keeping myself busy will get my mind off things. I now spend everyday working. At night I will be so tired that I almost always go straight to sleep. You'd think that I would not have the time to be bitter or to wallow in self-pity. Well, you're wrong. Because I still have moments when I feel so bitter. It's funny how it seems that I do not have enough time to finish everything that I have to do but I still always manage to have periods when I feel so down...

Am i just so unlucky when it comes to relationships? or maybe this is karma...Although I do not think that I deserve this karma. I might have done things that i am not so proud of but i think i never deserve to hurt as much as I am hurting now. Everyday, I learn something new about him. And everyday the pain intensifies...whoever said that time heals all wounds?

I probably just want to hear the truth. I want to hear that it is really over. I want this all to end.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Something does not fit in my life…

Something feels so wrong….

I want to say I am happy but I am not so sure. …

I am grateful of all the love I am receiving but I think there is something terribly wrong with me because I insist on the thing that I cannot have and ignore those that are just within my reach.

God, how I want to go back in time…just a year before…maybe I could have saved myself from hurting…

But on second thought…there were a lot of happy times…so I guess if I were to be back on the same situations, I would make the same decisions again….

Stupid me….


On wating

Two months ago Nanan sent me this message (he got it from Cinema Paradiso):

Once upon a time there was a soldier who fell in love with a princess

To prove his love, he vowed to stay under the princess’ balcony for 100 days.

If the princess opened the window, it meant she didn’t love the soldier.

So he waited

But she never opened the window.

There were nights when the soldier felt so weary, but he stayed.

On the 99th night, he left.

The End…

* I would wait too…but like the soldier, I will have to give up sometime. The soldier and I might have different reasons for leaving but he left and I will leave just the same.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

i miss my baby pamangkins...

that's kaitlin

and that's danielle