Thursday, March 22, 2007


Why are choices so difficult? Why isn’t there a clear cut choice?

How do you choose? How do you choose between what’s good for you and what you love?

Do you choose the safer option because it will make your life easier? Because it is less complicated?

Or do you choose what you love even if it will hurt because you will not be able to live with yourself knowing what could have been?

I am not a risk taker and I have always opted for the safer choice. Even if it meant not doing what would make me happier. I just always figured that by choosing the safer option, I am sparing the people around me the grief and the hurt that I might cause. It would be selfish of me to just think about what would make me happy and ignore all those people around me who will be affected by my decisions.

One of my friends once told me that I care too much about what other people think that it is not healthy anymore. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe.

I let go of things, of people I love because there is a safer route to take. I thought I was making the right decision. It’s just sometimes I get surprised about how I feel about things. Things that I have thought I have gotten over with. Things that I shouldn’t care about anymore:

· I shouldn’t care about him hanging out so much with a girl and doing everything with her.

· I shouldn’t have been bothered when I learned that they had lunch and he opened up to her. Even cried in front of her.

· I shouldn’t care that he doesn’t text me as often anymore and he doesn’t always reply to my text unlike before.

· I shouldn’t have felt how I felt when he hugged me the last time we saw each other.

I want to forget. I don’t want to care anymore because he has already walked away. He wanted to be the better man by walking away and thus making the decision for me. I am not hoping for anything right now. I am done hoping. All I want is just to not feel anymore. But I take it back, I don’t want to feel anymore but I want to remember:

· Remember that he doesn’t drink coffee but he still goes to Starbucks with me

· Remember us walking on the beach, lying on the sand and him buying me the red sarong

· Remember how we always held hands. ( I won’t forget watching Love Actually with him)

· Remember the smell of his perfume (Blue Jeans? Haha)

· Remember how he always made me laugh

I have always wondered. I want to know. Does he love me still? I’ve always asked but never got an answer. Does he feel the way I feel? I doubt it. I know I have said some things that have confused him. I know he’s not big on confrontations and serious conversations. And I know I will never get an answer to my question. I just miss him,that’s all. But I don’t want to miss him. I shouldn’t miss him…

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Grey's Anatomy Quotes

Meredith: [voiceover] The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is
good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no
pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain
is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can
take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some
fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

George: [one on one meeting with the Chief] Aren't you gonna say anything or [pause] I'm not gonna break [pause]
I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It’s
not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I
do. Care. I just can't tell you want you want to hear. Which seems to
be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something
doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be
with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can
love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love
someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain
tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It’s
exhausting. And, well, it’s complicated. But that's life. And life...
sucks (So true!)

Meredith: There's something to be said about a glass half full.
About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A
barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And
depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other
times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all
we want, is more.

Meredith: [voiceover]
Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the
random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's
the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it
blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away
until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our
pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it,
ignore it.. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just
push through it.

Meredith: [voiceover] Pain, you just have to ride it out,
hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals.
There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait
for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes
the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and
doesn't let up. Pain you just have to fight through, because the truth
is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

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