Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I went to a job interview in Makati today. They made me wait for the whole morning but in the end they offered me the job. The benefits and salary that they offered were good but I really do not want the job because I prefer working in HR rather than in Sales. I said I would call back after the holy week to tell them if I will accept the job. I don’t know what I am waiting for because I have already made my decision and I am not taking that job. I do not want to start working in a field I am not happy in.

After Makati, Marvin and I had lunch. I wanted to eat at Eyrie but there was no Eyrie. I hope it is just being renovated because I will really miss the place if they do not open again. We watched Looney tunes on vcd but halfway through the movie, I fell asleep.

I am so bored with my life. Well at least I have Marvin to hang around with.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I think last Monday and Tuesday were one of the best days I had recently. We went to the beach with my closest college friends. Admittedly, there were lots of problems and it was very difficult to organize the outing but we knew that it will still turn out okay and it did. I never had so much fun and there was so much food. Many thanks to the seniors who enjoyed those wacky two days with me: Julie (who wore a two piece bathing suit and worried that her camera had no batteries), Anne (who was, as usual, her bubbly self), Re (who kept on singing “where is tall man”), Milet ( who drove all the way from Manila to Quezon and never complained that she was tired), Cha (who slept early and missed the charades and inuman), Buen (who prepared our very delicious meals), Aja (who slipped on the rug and was captured on camera), Ego (who was very patient in teaching me to swim properly and dive), RM (who gave me the bruise in my eye), Jay ( who organized the whole thing *clap clap*) and Marvin (who walked with me to the beach). Hay, that is one of the memories I will keep looking back on.

this is a shot of all of us.

Wednesday, I was able to see Patty at last. I realized how I really missed her and our escapades when we were still back at the dorm. After watching a movie with Patty, I attended the Blue Roast. First time I saw Gelo so decent, wearing polo, glasses and shoes. Not his usual shirt, cap and slippers. I guess the fact that we are all adults now is sinking in.

Thursday, pig out the whole day with Kit, Ego and Marvin. Marvin wanted to go to UP to recopy his grad pics so we went there and had lunch. We went back to the ACIL room and I slept. When I woke up Re and Milet wanted to eat isaw so we went back to UP and ate again. After that we picked up Nanan and we all went to Marikina for the bumpcars. It was so much fun although the guys were bumping me really hard. Adterwards, we ate again. Hmm…the life of a bum

Friday, graduation day at last. The ceremony didn’t last very long. I liked the speech of the valedictorian, I was tearing up but I tried to contain it because nobody else was crying. After the ceremony, I found my friends and while our pictures were being taken I was so sad because I knew that it will be a long time before all of us come together again. But I have to accept the fact that it is inevitable and it is not so bad because we will all still be friends even if we do not see each other everyday.

Sunday, went to Pampanga to attend Anne’s grad/despedida party. I could not really look at her because she kept on crying and when she cries I end up crying too. I told her I understood why she had to leave but I really don’t. I wanted to stop her and tell her that she doesn’t really have to go but of course that would be very selfish of me. I just hate the fact that she would be really far from me and I am not used to that. I guess, I have to start getting use to it now.

I have been bumming around for the past few days and I know that I have to do something about it. I’ll start going to job interviews starting this week so I can tell myself that I am doing something about my future.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Discernment. Discernment. Discernment.

For the past three days I’ve been trying to discern what I will do with my life. Name your crossroads and then choose the path that you think God wants you to choose. I stayed still and quiet hoping that I will hear God’s voice but the only thing I heard was the wind blowing through the pine trees and the birds chirping above me. I guess I just expected too much from the retreat, I expected to immediately have answers to my questions. I guess I expected too much so I feel so dissatisfied right now. I keep blaming it to other people, that the other retreatants were not strict with the silence. The retreat was too fast-paced for me…
I can complain all I want but in the end I am still stuck with my problem. I haven’t reached any decision yet. I do not know which path I should choose. The retreat director said that I should live life to the fullest. Carpe diem. I really am trying to seize the day and I understand that discernment is a process and I should not expect to have an answer right away but I just hope that whatever decision I will end up making will be the right one. I have been making wrong decisions all my life but now the decision I have to make would determine what I would become for the rest of my life. I hope I make the decision that would make the people that I love proud of me. For now, I will look at the past and the now and examine everything so I could see my options more clearly.

Seize the day and enjoy your life in the process….

Sunday, March 14, 2004

yey, i have a cool layout.. yey, tnx so much to Ego. Really appreciate it. Astig na rin blog ko. He stayed up till four am to work on my blog. yey, super thank you talaga. Tapos aga ko pa cya ginising. hehehe.
Neway, i had my last official area in Escopa yesterday. Quite sad that i would be leaving our kids. But i promised myself that i will definitely go back even if i was already working. hay, i will definitely miss the marco polos, mang digs and the kids dancing otso otso, pamela and spaghetti. Kahit most of the time gusto ko na silang patayin dahil ang kulit nila.
After area, tambay mode with Ge, Ja, Ego and Marvin. I didn't stay long coz i really wanted to sleep. Only had two hours of sleep coz of the Senior's night and reading all the letters. I recieved Marvin's letter nga pala. Nakaka-touch coz he notices even the smallest of details... =)
Kit and Ego came over to work on my blog. Kit messed around with my laptop. Nervous moments when they couldn't get my computer to open again. when kit fell asleep on the living room couch, ego was able to really start on my blog and upload his new layout. I repeatedly got disconnected from the internet. Damn server. When Master Showman came on air i almost died laughing. I guess i got too tired from laughing that i finally fell asleep. Ego kept waking me up...after a while di na niya ko nakayang gisingin.
Woke up because of Jules calling. After i dressed up, saw Ego already awake and i dragged him to Greenhills.
Cool, i haven't been to greenhills for a while. I wanted to buy lots of things but i didn't have enough money with me. I realized it's hard going shopping with guys coz they kept on going inside hobby shops. And Jules treated us to lunch. thanks jules.
When i finally got home, my brother and his girl was fiddling with the laptop so i ended up watching movies on DVD.
I'm going to the retreat tomorrow and i just finished packing. I also wouldn't be able to update my blog for the following days because of the retreat. Hope it will be fruitful.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

hay, just got home from senior's night. It was fun and i really appreciate all the trouble the undergrads did for the program. It was beautiful. Pinaghirapan talaga pero somehow i went home dissapointed. I was not dissapointed na hindi maganda yung senior's night. Ok siya, sobrang astig. I am dissapointed with myself. I didn't feel anything. minsan naiisip ko na stoic talaga ko masyado. I wanted to cry but i can't. KOnting luha lang. I wonder why i wasn't able to cry, being the crybaby that i am. Hindi pa talaga siguro nagsink in. Iniisip ko kasi magkikita pa kami, sa blue roast, sa outing, sa grad...
Only three people made me cry, when i was hugging Millette, when i was reading Ego's letter, and while i was saying goodbye to Jeff. It was a very beautiful moment, looking at the lights in MArikina and all the stars shining down on us.
I didn't really want to go home. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to stay. I wanted to tell the people that i love them in person. I guess i just wanted to be assured that i won't be forgotten. That 10 years from now, i could go back to the Ateneo and still see the old bus. pass by colayco and see the ACIL rum where i spent almost half of my college life in. If i was not in class, i was in the ACIL room.
I'm specially thankful for kate who did my tribute box. She was amazing. She got me letters from my old roommate Patty, even from Allen. There was one message that intrigued me...i wonder who it's from.
Anyway, although i had a blast i still wish i wouldn't have to leave ACIL behind. If only i could stop the time...

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I saw Earl today. It was not by any accident, I knew he would be there. I didn’t know what I hoped to accomplish by seeing him. Well, we looked at each other for a long time. Sizing each other up. He looks good, although it is obvious that he is stressed. I was buying diapers for Annabelle’s baby and he ask me what the diapers were for. I kidded around, told him it was for my baby. I don’t know if it was a joke or if he was serious but he said that he does not use diapers for his baby, he uses “lampin.” It bothered me that I do not know if he really is married.

Seeing him again brought back the feelings from the past. Yes, I still love him. I have always loved him. I love him now but not with the intensity of before. I love him but not with the passion of before. I love him but I do not long for him anymore. It is a different kind of love. I do not want him back. I have moved on. I have moved on but I never forgot. I was still able to recognize him even from miles away. The back of his head was so familiar. I remember I loved his hair. I loved to run my fingers through it. But that was all in the past now. If I want anything to happen right now, it would be to have him as a friend again. We were good friends before everything good messed up. He was my best friend. It is such a shame that it is so awkward to be with him right now. I can see he feels the same.

I would have loved to talk to him. Make things a little bit clearer about us. Tell him that my Mom wonders why he is never around the house anymore. But I had to leave. He said he was in a hurry. We went our own ways once again leaving everything hanging. There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to explain to him. So much I wanted him to understand. But I guess now is not the time. Aasa na lang ako…. Bukas, makalawa baka magkita ulit kami baka sa pagkakataon na yun magkaayos na kami.

Monday, March 08, 2004

I was thinking about what I was going to write today and I couldn’t come up with anything exciting or interesting. I ended up reading Julie’s blog. She doesn’t know I read her blog and maybe does not even know that I have my own blog already. When I think about it, Julie’s one of the girls I really admire. Yes, I’ve seen her cry a million times but she gets back on her feet and learns from her mistakes. Basta, she’s a good friend. One of the few that I will really miss after college.

Last night, I got to chat with Gelo in Yahoo. It was funny because he was in the “doctor love” mode. My love life’s very complicated right now. It’s the classic case of the battle between your heart and your mind. I was insisting to Gelo that I was a very logical person so I really did not have a problem. But he kept on insisting that what is important is that I am happy and following my heart will make me happy. “mahirap pero kakayanin mo kasi nagmamahal ka” He got me there. I do not even wanna resolve this problem right now but I know putting it off will not do any good. I am such an escapist. Ayokong magtaya kasi ayokong masaktan. I would rather hide from the situation because I am too afraid to face it. Pero I know I am hurting people in the process. Sobrang melodramatic na yata ako.

On a lighter note, my grades are okay. I haven’t yet computed my QPI but at least I got grades that I deserved. I woke up late (as usual, hehe). I paid for my retreat, for the senior’s night. I was broke once again, tsk tsk, it’s hard being unemployed. I haven’t even paid all my debts to Julie for the thesis expenses and for the blue roast ticket. How can I ask money from my parents when they have already given me so much?! I really am broke.

I went to UP with Ja and Gelo to have my Grad Pic recopied, Gelo was teasing me about our talk last night. Grrr…..i appreciate all his advice but I wish he wouldn’t mention it. EVER. Then off to Bulacan again. Marvin and Webs accompanied me home. There was heavy traffic but at least I have people to talk to. Marvin is so sweet he bought me muffins from Kenny Rogers. =)

Sunday, March 07, 2004

whew. at last i can make my own blog. after the hell weeks in school and after all the complaining i did about me having so much to do. Ironic that after everything, i kind of miss it. i miss all the readings, i miss doing papers and group works, even more amazingly i miss cramming for exams.
waah....i've been having the senior syndrome for a while now.
must stop now before i start crying...
besides, i have to attend mass already then i'm back to manila again.