Monday, June 28, 2004

Nagiging bitter na nga yata ako, as Eufra reminded me yesterday after we heard mass. I can’t believe that I just started to cry when the choir sang a Jesuit song. I forgot the title but it goes like this “ wag mong naising lisanin kita, wala akong hangaring ika’y magisa…saan man magtungo, ako’y sasabay, magkabalikat sa ating paglakbay.” Hay, I really have to get over this sadness thing.

I just feel so tired about everything. Emotionally tired. Instead of feeling better as the days go by, I feel worse…It’s like at night I always pray that the next day everything will be better for me and then I wake up and find that nothing has changed and I have lost again. But the funny thing is that even tough I feel all the pain, I will still expect the same thing again tomorrow. It’s stupid, I know. I am so stupid.

Kiko asked me last night if I regretted anything. Did I regret the decision I made? Did I think it was wrong? I said no. I believe it can never be wrong because I was just true to what I believed in and felt. Although right now there is nothing else left to do but go on living my life. I have to give up fighting even if I don’t want to.

Now I have something else to wait for and look forward to… The morning that I wake up and feel better, so much better.

*Tomorrow is the 29th pala. How sad….

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Totoo ba na may Happy Endings?

It started with one innocent text message. “pahiram naman ng book oh?” Then came the forwarded text messages. Then before you knew it, you were exchanging messages everyday.

He was extra nice to you. He would give you flowers even if there were really no occasion at all. He would offer to go everywhere with you and carry your stuff. He always found the excuse to bump into you in the hallway. During your regular dinners together with your other friends he would hold your hand under the table. He would stay up till morning just so you could have someone to talk to. You never bothered asking kung ano ba kayo. Basta you enjoyed the attention he was giving you. And you were happy again.

But somehow it did not feel right. He was not your type of guy. He does not fit into your pattern. Even your friends tell you na hindi kayo bagay. Minsan naiisip mo rin na hindi mo yata siya kayang ipagmalaki. But still you cannot deny that you are starting to fall for him. It starts to hurt when he does not make it to dinner or when he does not seem to remember you. You know you are falling for him because you now have expectations from him. You try to be reasonable. But as your friend said, kung reason ang kalaban you are as good as taken kasi the heart always wins over the mind. Kasi mas masarap yung feeling ng uncertainty..yung excitement na di mo alam mangyayari kasi things don’t add up but you are happy.

Then you realize something, you are just afraid. Masaya ka ngayon pero natatakot ka na baka di na siya maging consistent if ever magkatuluyan kayo or hinde. But one thing is obvious, takot kang mawala siya sa buhay mo. Kasi ang sarap pala ng pakiramdam ng may tao na laging andyan para sa iyo.

And then it happened. He finally asked you to be his girl. Kahit na natatakot ka magtaya, kahit na may mga bagay na hindi mo pa kayang harapin, umoo ka sa kaniya. Kasi you know that saying yes would make you both happy. And you do not want to deprive yourself of that happiness. Pero hindi mo man aminin, isa rin sa dahilan kaya mo siya sinagot ay dahil sa takot ka na baka mawala siya sa iyo if you turn him down. May trauma ka kasi when it comes to people leaving. Kasi whenever a person who has become a part of your life leaves, dinadala niya yung parte ng buhay mo na yon. Wherein you feel na you will not be complete again if the person does not return. Sinagot mo siya so that you can hold on to him. But more than that, sinagot mo siya because you know you love him at nagawa niyang palambutin ang puso mo.

You had two months together. Two months na halos araw araw magkasama kayo. Sa two months na yun lalo mo siyang minahal. You would wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and your first thoughts would be about him and the day ahead. And there were also nights when you would wake up beside him. You used to watch him as he slept. At times like that you imagine how it would be like to wake up beside him every morning. You can even imagine a life you can live together. You just knew that you could work everything out. Wala ka ng ikinahihiya kasi alam mo na your friends do not know him as well as you do. And you know that they understand that you are in love and that they are also happy for you. You pray that at last this is your happy ending.

But your happiness was cut short. He left. He left before you can show him how much you appreciate him. He left you with only the memories you had together. He left and you stopped dreaming. Although he said that he was coming back and although you told him that you would wait, even if it takes a long time, you cannot help but wonder if he really loves you as much as you thought he did. Because if you really love, you would not be able to give up the person you love so easily.

You know you still love him and somehow you are still dreaming that he will keep his promise and return. But it will be different. At this point you are not sure if you want to move on. At this point you do not know what to do. So in desperation you went out with someone else. You got drunk. You got drunk on purpose because you wanted an excuse for why you are going out with someone you do not like to be with. You just wanted to blame something else but yourself. The following day you realize that what you did only made you feel worse. You realize that nothing you can do will make the hurt disappear. Magdadasal ka na lang na isang araw magising ka at marealize mo na kaya mo na palang maging masaya ulit. Maaaring sa piling niya o sa piling ng iba. So much for your happy ending.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

When I was a kid my brother loved playing all kinds of sports with me. He would practice basketball with me and sometimes table tennis. He loved playing with me because he always wins. I was never really good at any kind of sport. And whenever he beats me he would bug me about it. I tried to learn how to really play but I soon realized that I was not really gifted to be sporty. Yes, I may know how to play but I can never really be good at it. So I never really belonged to any team in high school.
But lately I’ve been playing with my high school friends because just having dinner or lunch with them gets boring after a while because we won’t have anything new to talk about. So since my other friends are sporty ( they actually belonged to the varsity team in high school) I try to play too. We went bowling and although my first attempts were really embarrassing I eventually learned how to throw the ball properly. I also tried brushing up on my billiard skills and I had a great time laughing at myself. And of course, the most popular sport lately, badminton. I have to say that I am getting better and I even know the rules now. =)
Ha, just a little more practice and maybe when my brother comes back home I can show him that I am better. And maybe beat him for once. =)

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Waaa…there are weddings everywhere. Oh yeah, it’s June. Anyway, yesterday my high school teacher got married. It was a beautiful wedding. The bride and groom were crying. Hay, I love weddings. It’s such a happy occasion.
Now I turned on the TV and am watching Rated K. Guess what their topic is? Weddings, of course. Got me thinking about my own wedding tuloy. Haha, that is if I can find someone who will be willing to marry me. But siyempre I wouldn’t just settle with anyone except siguro if I am so desperate na. Probably when I am 50 and am not married still. Haha….

Thursday, June 10, 2004

How do you really define love? How can you say that you have really fallen in love?

Whenever my friends and I would talk about our respective love lives or just philosophize about love I would always ask this question. I have been asked this question several times and I have never been able to supply a decent answer. I would always just shrug or change the subject. This is why I ask the questions a lot, hoping that someone can provide me the answer. I remember asking it to Jaja once, and she said that she believes that until she has found the right person for her she would not know how to define love.

Up to now I cannot still answer the question, does this mean that I have never really truly loved yet? I have had relationships before and I always cry when a relationship ends. There comes the sad phase which usually lasts for a month or so. After crying it out, I move on. A friend keeps telling me that I move on so easily. He says that I do not give my all when I love because of how easily I seem to move on. But I do not think that the length of time it takes for you to move on do not determine how much you loved or if you have loved at all. I alone could say that I have truly loved.

I may not be able to explain what love is. I may not be able to define and describe love. But I believe that love is too complex to be explained. You do not try to define love. You just feel and experience it.


Your Eyes
from Rent the musical

Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes
How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
'Cause there's something I should have told you
Yes there's something I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before this song dies
I should tell you I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes

Monday, June 07, 2004

Get Here

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer

You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can

Sunday, June 06, 2004

I have been staring at my monitor for a while now thinking about what to write. I just decided to start writing and post whatever it is i come up with.

I have just finished reading an essay that i found in (thanks to nanan for telling me about the website). The article was entitled I refuse to... I was touched with the article. But I was thinking that it is easy to write it all down but when you try and really do what you have written, you will find that it is really hard. I suppose moving on cannot be forced, you can tell yourself that you have to move on and that you are moving on but it does not happen instantly. Read the article na lang.

I am still waiting... Although I am tired of waiting, I still wait. There is nothing more I could do right now. I try to believe that I could wait for as long as it takes but lately i have been having second thoughts. If you were in a relationship that makes you frustated and gives you more pain than happiness would you persist with it? I don't know if there is a right answer to the question but I persist, for now. It's stupid, i know. Almost all of my friends cannot understand why I wait when they say that someone who will choose practicality over my love is not worth it. When I think about it, I also do not understand. There is no logic with all of this. All I know is that I would still bear all the pain because for me the short moments when I am happy with him makes the pain worth it.

I wait and my waiting helps me get through each day. Every night I sleep with the prayer that when I wake up in the morning, I will find that my waiting is over.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Everything at home is either not working properly or not working at all. I am at one of those computer stations right now because our phone just stopped working. Our line just went dead even if we always pay the bill ahead of time. My mom have been going to the PLDT offices everyday since our phone went dead and it has been a week, the phone still is not working.

Our cable is fucked up. You cannot watch anything decently because the reception is not good. My mom shouted at the people who provides us with our cable and that was the only time that they fixed the cable.

Without a phone and a decent thing to watch I could not help but get bored and start thinking about things that would only make me sad. And that would not be good, I vowed that I would keep my mind of sad things as mmuch as possible so in desperation I watched the three LOTR movies in one sitting. It was really long, but it was good. I can't believe I wasn't interested in it until now. Yeah, i also believe that there is still good in this world. Of course there is.

If there is no good in this world then i wouldn't have my friends to comfort me when i am down. I owe a lot to those friends. They are not only there when i have problems but sometimes they even solve my problems for me. I am so lucky. =)