Monday, June 28, 2004

Nagiging bitter na nga yata ako, as Eufra reminded me yesterday after we heard mass. I can’t believe that I just started to cry when the choir sang a Jesuit song. I forgot the title but it goes like this “ wag mong naising lisanin kita, wala akong hangaring ika’y magisa…saan man magtungo, ako’y sasabay, magkabalikat sa ating paglakbay.” Hay, I really have to get over this sadness thing.

I just feel so tired about everything. Emotionally tired. Instead of feeling better as the days go by, I feel worse…It’s like at night I always pray that the next day everything will be better for me and then I wake up and find that nothing has changed and I have lost again. But the funny thing is that even tough I feel all the pain, I will still expect the same thing again tomorrow. It’s stupid, I know. I am so stupid.

Kiko asked me last night if I regretted anything. Did I regret the decision I made? Did I think it was wrong? I said no. I believe it can never be wrong because I was just true to what I believed in and felt. Although right now there is nothing else left to do but go on living my life. I have to give up fighting even if I don’t want to.

Now I have something else to wait for and look forward to… The morning that I wake up and feel better, so much better.

*Tomorrow is the 29th pala. How sad….

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