Thursday, May 27, 2004

Do you know that I started writing again because of you?

Do you know that when we take a walk together at night, I would look up the heavens and thank God for you?

Do you know that I worry so much about you?

Do you know that I feel so safe and loved when you hold me?

Do you know that I love running my fingers down your hair?

Do you know that I do not understand why this had to happen to us?

Do you know that I keep the petals of all the flowers you have ever given me beside my bed?

Do you know that I bought your perfume and I'd spray it on my bedsheets so that I could pretend that you're beside me as I sleep?

Do you know that I miss hanging out with you even if we just do nothing?

Do you know how much I love you and how much I blame myself for what is happening to us?

Do you know that you are the only person who have hurt me this much and yet I do not hate you?

Do you know that I often listen to the tape we made for my project just to hear your voice?

Do you know that there are moments when I so badly want to hug you but you are not there?

Do you know that I miss it whenever you would just let me cry and hold me until there were no more tears?

Do you know that I wake up in the middle of the night because of the cold, now that you are not here to place a blanket over me when I fall asleep?

Do you know that nobody looks after me anymore when I am sick?

Do you know that I often dream that I am with you again and it is as if you were never gone?

Do you know how hurt I am that you do not seem to care anymore?

Do you know that I am missing you so much?

Do you know how much I am crying now?

And do you know that you are the only person who can stop me from crying?

the song describes what I am feeling right now...I can sing it over and over again....


I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
and I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doin wrong

What can I do to make you love me?
what can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?/and love me

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows it might feel better, yeah
If I don't try and I don't hope

no more waiting
no more aching
no more fighting
no more trying

maybe there's nothing more to say
and in a funny way I'm calm
because the power is not mine
and I'm just gonne let it fly


almost like what i'm feeling now...but i'm not yet giving up hoping, fighting and trying...still hoping for a miracle...maybe one day soon, by some miracle, i'd find him standing before me and smiling at me...Maybe everything is not true, maybe it's his practical joke for me...maybe, just maybe he'll be here again....and these maybes keep me going, keep me hoping....

Sunday, May 23, 2004

The previous week in a glance…

May 17 and 18: Spent the two days in Zambales. It was the first time that I went overnight to a beach with my high school friends Portia and Tin. We swam in the pool, watched the sunset in the beach. We tried making sand castles, tried playing badminton even if it was windy and learned to play billiards. On the way home we passed by Subic and bought pasalubong for Milet who sadly cannot come with us.

May 19 – 21: my family and me went to Thailand. Bangkok looks very similar to the Philippines although their economy is much better. We had a fun time shopping. We also got the chance to see the city with all its temples and restaurants that served really spicy food. My father and brother visited Bangkok’s red district and they said that it was really very interesting.

May 22: it was ate jeng’s birthday and we went to clowns, a sing along bar, to drink and watch the gay people make fun of their audience. But there were one or two people who sang really well.

May 23: At last I was home in Bulacan again. We were supposed to go to tagaytay but it was raining really hard and the twins had colds so they decided to cancel the trip. We just had lunch together. I was really sleepy so I went to sleep immediately when I got home. Just woke up to hear mass.

Friday, May 14, 2004

yesterday, i went to Manila for a job interview. It was the longest interview i ever had. It lasted for almost 45 mins. I didn't know if that was a good or bad sign. There were several questions that i really did not prepare for so i ended up saying the first things that would pop into my mind. Afterwards, when i was able to think about the interview, i realized that i might have said some stupid things.I had to get over the interview because i was meeting my cousin. We met and then we had dinner, i left dinner early because i was supposed to meet up with a friend. We watched troy and i guess i would have appreciated the movie better if i wasn't so tired and if it wasn't so late. But my friend treated me to the movie so it was okay, at least i didn't fell asleep in the middle of the movie.

Went home to Pasig to find all my cousins crammed in our small apartment. It was very funny and amazing how we were able to fit in our place. I went to bed late thinking that i can sleep late but i had to wake up at 6 am, 3 hours after i fell asleep. I couldn't fall asleep again because i was playing at looking after the twins. We all went home to Bulacan in the afternoon. Now i just got home, tired and sleepy. So i'll sleep na.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

The past week has been full of activity for me. It feels like the summer has just started for me even though it’s starting to rain almost every afternoon. Last Sunday, we had the birthday party for my twin nieces. The kids really enjoyed themselves. The next day was the elections day. I bummed for a day and voted in the afternoon. I cannot really say that I was a responsible voter because I just voted for the people who were recommended by my mom.

Right now, we just got home from a beach in Bolinao, Pangasinan. We were just there for the night and that was enough time to decide that we will not be going back to that place in the near future. They had such poor service and the place was a 4 hour drive. We thought that the beach will be beautiful because of the promotion the resort was getting so we figured that the long drive would be worth it. We were wrong. We got there a half past 12 really hungry because we did not have lunch yet. Guess how long it took for lunch to come? 2 FREAKIN HOURS!!!! We were eating lunch when the other people were already having their meriendas. In addition to this, they gave our reserved villas to other tourists so my cousin had an argument with the resort attendant. When we finally got our rooms and had the chance to look at the beach we found out that seaweeds are floating on the shore. There were no waves and there was nothing to do at the beach. It was so frustrating. Good thing they had a pool and a Jacuzzi. So we ended up staying in the pool. My other cousins were saying that we could have just been in one of the pools near our home; at least it won’t be that expensive.

I had no signal for the two days that we spent in Bolinao, so I received all my messages on the way home. I received a message from Rean and Jaja that said that I passed in the Ateneo law school. I didn’t know what to do. I was scheduled for an interview tomorrow in San Miguel and I am almost assured of a job. Now that I passed ateneo everyone keeps telling me na saying naman if I gave up the slot because a lot of people want so bad to get into the Ateneo. Problem is I do not know what to do now. I want to try working but I’m afraid that if I get dissatisfied with my work I would regret my decision in not going through with law school. Or if I choose to go to law school and not pass the bar I might be too old to get a nice job that I want. I know that I have to take a risk in whatever I choose.

I still haven’t decided totally on what to do but the best decision I have come up with is to accept the job and try it out for a year. If I am dissatisfied, I can go back to law school with the thinking that if I passed law school this year, I can also pass it next year. I hope I don’t make the wrong choice….

Saturday, May 08, 2004

I wasn't able to access the internet lately because our phone was not working since tuesday. It was the town fiesta pa naman. For some reason, the fiesta this year was not that fun. My high school friends were there and so were my college friends. But it still felt incomplete. Maybe because it was a weekday and there were not as much people or maybe i was just missing someone so badly.

Last thursday, Melissa, Tin, Portia and I went to greenhills. It was kind of an adventure because we commuted from bulacan to greenhills. I wanted to buy a gift for mom for mother's day but while i was looking for stuff i realized how hard it is to give her a material gift because she has everything she wants already. So i figured i will just write her a letter, after all, that would have more value than anything i can buy.

Earlier, my mom asked me to go with her to my cousin's house. Ate gladysjust came home from the states. Her twin daughters and her husband was with her. The kids are cute. I bet they grow up to be really beautiful ladies.

have you experienced being the confidant of a person about his failed love lyf and the person's ex-gf is one of your closest friends? it's hard being in the middle of things you don't really wanna be involved in...