Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I saw Earl today. It was not by any accident, I knew he would be there. I didn’t know what I hoped to accomplish by seeing him. Well, we looked at each other for a long time. Sizing each other up. He looks good, although it is obvious that he is stressed. I was buying diapers for Annabelle’s baby and he ask me what the diapers were for. I kidded around, told him it was for my baby. I don’t know if it was a joke or if he was serious but he said that he does not use diapers for his baby, he uses “lampin.” It bothered me that I do not know if he really is married.

Seeing him again brought back the feelings from the past. Yes, I still love him. I have always loved him. I love him now but not with the intensity of before. I love him but not with the passion of before. I love him but I do not long for him anymore. It is a different kind of love. I do not want him back. I have moved on. I have moved on but I never forgot. I was still able to recognize him even from miles away. The back of his head was so familiar. I remember I loved his hair. I loved to run my fingers through it. But that was all in the past now. If I want anything to happen right now, it would be to have him as a friend again. We were good friends before everything good messed up. He was my best friend. It is such a shame that it is so awkward to be with him right now. I can see he feels the same.

I would have loved to talk to him. Make things a little bit clearer about us. Tell him that my Mom wonders why he is never around the house anymore. But I had to leave. He said he was in a hurry. We went our own ways once again leaving everything hanging. There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to explain to him. So much I wanted him to understand. But I guess now is not the time. Aasa na lang ako…. Bukas, makalawa baka magkita ulit kami baka sa pagkakataon na yun magkaayos na kami.

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