It’s still raining outside, and fearing about the traffic, I decided to
write you a letter… perhaps I wanted to for quite some time now, just
found the right mood and time.
How are you doing? I know I ask this to you almost everyday. Don’t get
me wrong, it’s just how I take care of people. Sorry if it now appears
routinely for you. If ever it appears routinely for you, I hope you’ll
see that it’s more of affection and concern rather than an obligation.
I made a promise (in case you still don’t know) when I ask you if you
want me to take care of you. I took it seriously in my heart, because I
know I become a better person when I care for someone rather than
myself. What you texted to me the previous days about me making you really
happy enabled me to cling on something I started to disbelieve in. You
brought back hope again in me, that certain good deeds don’t go
unnoticed and unappreciated.
Perhaps it’s time for you to know what my status for J is (and I
guess I haven’t told anyone yet about it.) First question, do I still
love her? Yes, and I think it will never go. I loved her with my whole
heart and for that I’m happy. If the question would be would I still
love her, then perhaps yes in the way that I would be here when the time
comes she needs another best friend or even just a friend. I never
abandoned her and I don’t intend to. But if somebody would ask if I would
still wish to the heavens for us to be together again just like before,
I wanted to believe and accept that it would never be… and painfully,
perhaps it wasn’t meant to be in the first place. You’re right E,
we were never meant to be.
The boyfriend-girlfriend issue is long over. It’s the lost friendship
and the seeming cruel attitude she’s giving me right now that hurt so
much. Up to now I cry over the one simple question, “What did I do to
deserve this?” I can’t reconcile the fact that people would say that
somehow I was a good boyfriend, did everything I can to maintain the
friendship. I was there during her tough moments in school and in the
family. I understood her whenever she had her mood swings. I was there and
understood everything, bore the pain with the hope that at least, the
friendship was worth fighting and crying for.
But what did I get in the end? Right now, I think I don’t exist in her
life anymore. You know what hurts the most? When you are not
considered as a good friend anymore… when everything you have done were
forgotten, gone to waste. Every time I read a bulletin post from her, I hope
in God that somehow she would include me at least as someone who made
her happy. I feel worse than a criminal now…
Christ said you give love without expecting anything in return. I
agree and painfully followed that teaching. But I never thought in my
whole life that what you get when you poured out your heart and love you’ll
be repaid in the end by cruelness, unkindness, unforgiveness, and pain.
Yes, there was one night I wanted to kill myself, it just didn’t made
sense… And yes there are still days that I cry because of it.
How do I move on? My heart would say forgive her. And yes, I know also
in my heart I already did. But the pain won’t go. Then one night I
realized. Remember the dream I just texted you? It was about J
dating a new guy just now. It hurts to the core because I thought she left
me because she doesn’t want a commitment, but with that it would now
appear that she left me because of me, nothing more, the commitment issue
was just a way of her getting out. The guy was a jerk and it pains me
again to feel that all my sincerity didn’t matter in this world. It
would come sooner or later… and I hope I would stand the pain when that
day comes.
Is this what you get when you risk it all out? When you bet everything
you had?
Was it worth it? In tears I would say “yes”. Better love and lost than
never loved at all as the old saying goes. But it is so painful…
I want to love again. As silly as it may sound, I still believe in
love. Right now, it seems that a miracle is happening. You are the
miracle.
You came in a time I never, never, never expected. You showed
appreciation and concern and never imagined and dreamt of getting from you.
You made me feel things I do not understand. You made me scared and at
the same time very much happy within. Perhaps I’m scared of running the
risk of losing you and you never coming back. Right now E,
honestly, I’m trying all my best to take hold of my emotions, of opening a
space for you to hurt me. But I know that by opening a space in my
heart, you would really make a difference in my life. I want you to make a
difference in my life. Sorry if it makes you feel
uncomfortable, I hope it doesn’t.
For such a short time, you managed to do things differently in my life.
You brought hope back in me. I can’t write them all down but I want
you to know that you make me happy more than you could ever imagine. And
yes, there are also nights that I feel a bit mad at you, especially
when you don’t seem to text back. Perhaps it’s a sign of you slowly
entering my heart.
It was one of the hardest things I did in my life when I wrote a mail
of reconsideration to M. I was confused on two things: one that I
believe that he doesn’t deserve the love you’re giving him and two, the
fact that it seems now that the only real thing to make you happy is
for that guy to come back in your arms. I opted for the second, but I
know that if it works, I’ll never have that chance.
E, I envy him, so much. When I look back at the few moments we
have spent together, I sigh in disbelief. Why did he leave her? You are
so great E. I want to return what you texted me a few days ago.
You don’t get off that easy, you make me happy.
I want to spend more time with you, and I pray that I could
continuously make you feel happy and special. Someday, I pray to God that I would
be given the chance to love you, much more that how I loved J. Sa
kailailaliman ng puso ko, hangad kong mahalin kita bukas. But for now,
I hold on to the happiness our friendship gives. No regrets here
E, nor grand expectations. Just simply how I feel.
When the time comes he doesn’t comes back for you, just look for me.
You always take care E, be safe, and never take things for
granted.
