Para kay Star sa Kanyang Di-Inaasahang Pagpanaw

Hindi ko gaanong nasubaybayan ang iyong paglaki. Kasalanan ko rin dahil palagi akong wala, bihira na lamang umuwi. Kaya nga sa mga panahon na umuuwi ako palagi akong nagdadalawang isip sa paglapit sayo dahil baka hindi mo na ako kilala o baka galit ka sa akin. Nakakalungkot isipin na mas napalapit ka pa sa aking ina. Ang nanay ko ang nagpapakain sayo, nagaalaga, pinapagamot kapag nagkakasakit ka at nagging tagadisiplina mo. Samantalang ako, nagaaral sa malayo, ni hindi ko na nalaman kung ano ang mga bagay na paborito mong ginagawa, hindi ko na nalaman kung ano ang mga paborito mong pagkain. At kapag nakikita kita, nagugulat na lamang ako dahil lalo kang lumalaki at lumulusog. Gusto man kitang lapitan at yakapin, himasin gaya ng dati, hindi ko magawa dahil ilang ka sa akin.
Tandang tanda ko pa ang araw na ipanganak ka, paano ko ba naman makakalimutan ang araw na iyon dahil sumabay ang paglabas mo sa mga paputok sa pagdiriwang ng karamihan ng bagong taon. Sa inyong tatlong magkakapatid, alam ko ng ikaw ang pinakamalakas. Alam ko na lalaban ka dahil gusto mong mabuhay. Napakalungkot ng namatay ang dalawa mong kapatid kaya hinagkan kita malapit sa puso ko at nagpasalamat ako sa Diyos na nasa akin ka pa. Sa mga unang araw mo sa mundo ay ako ang nagbibigay ng gatas mo. Sa hapon, tuwang tuwa ako sa panunuod sayo habang himbing na himbing ka sa pagtulog. Sa gabi, habang sinusubukan mong maglakad ay nakaabang ako at tinutulungan ka sa iyong pagtayo. Ipinagmalaki kita dahil kahit ilang beses kang nahulog ay tuloy ka parin sa pagtatangkang maglakad. Pero bago mo matutuhan na tumakbo ay kinailangan ko ng umalis. Niyakap kita ng mahigpit at sa aking pagtalikod ay narinig ko ang isang hikbi mula sa yo.
Hindi na kita nasubaybayan mula noong umalis ako. At ngayon napakalaki ng pagsisi ko dahil inakala ko na sa aking paguwi ay makakasama na kita at maaari na akong bumawi sa’yo. Malaking pagsisi dahil hindi na mangyayari yun kailanman. Isang gabi, unakyat ang aking ina sa kwarto ko at malungkot na sinabing wala ka na. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin o gagawin ko sa mga oras na yon. Nakita ko na lamang na nakahiga ka na. Hindi ko kinaya na tingnan ka pa kaya umalis na lamang ako. Naisip ko na lang na hindi tama na wala ka na. Napakabata mo pa, halos dalawang taon ka pa lang. Mas marami ka pa sanang mapapaligaya at nakasama pa sana kita ng mas matagal. Nakbawi pa sana ako sayo.
Bukas ay ililibing ka na. Hindi ko na ito sasaksihan dahil hindi ko mapipigilang umiyak. Maraming mga bagay ang hindi na mangyayari ngayong wala ka na. Wala ng tatahol upang batiin ako tuwing dadating ako sa bahay. Wala ng maglalambing na himasin ko tuwing dadaan ako sa harapan niya. Wala ng magbabantay sa nanay ko kapag wala siyang kasama sa gabi. Maraming marami pang mga bagay na hahanap – hanapin ko. Sana na lang Star ay masaya ka. Kung nasan ka man, sana ay maraming laruan diyan. Sana ay nakakatakbo ka ng malayo dahil alam kung gusting gusto mo ang pagtakbo. At sana rin ay may tao diyan na hihimas sayo pag naglalambing ka at pakakainin ka pag nagugutom ka. Habambuhay ka sa aking alaala.

And finally you are writing it down because you want to prove to yourself that you have moved on. You believe that by writing everything down you will be free from the guilt and you will be able to finally convince yourself, your friends, and your family, that you are ready to love another person again. You admit that for the past years you have been longing for him to come back to you, to tell you how sorry he is that he left. You admit that on certain nights you still dream of him and what could have been. But you insist that it is over. And you go on with your life as if he never happened. You ignore the times that you remember him and you say to yourself that you really do not miss him; you just miss the moments and the feeling of happiness and love. But you do not miss the person. You are so successful in convincing yourself that you have moved on that you start entertaining suitors. You agree to go out on dates and you realize that you are starting to enjoy the dates and the gimiks. Months pass and you are back to your old, bubbly self again. You are happy and contented. You even think that you have fallen in love with an old buddy of yours. Everything is going fine for you and you are so proud of yourself. Until…
You saw him again. You thought that you could go casually up to him and say hi. After all, you have gotten over him. But when you stood before him, all of the feelings you had for him resurfaced. Maybe they never went away and you just repressed it at the back of your mind. But now he is here and you do not understand what you are feeling. You stood there for a long time not knowing what to do until he finally pulls you towards him and hugs you. He doesn’t say anything and you know that you do not need words to understand what he is trying to tell you. You cried and cried and he never asked why. He just hugged you and held you until there were no more tears. Afterwards, you said your goodbyes and once again he walked away from you leaving you with his scent and the memory of his smile. When you go home, you sit down on your desk and start to write and the cycle begins again…

Lately I've been bored and lonely. Have you ever missed someone so bad that you don't get to enjoy the usual things that make you happy because you wish you were with that someone? well, it's hard. It's ironic because yesterday i was with the company of my college friends and it was cool because we got to catch up on each other's lives but somehow it felt incomplete because i wanted someone to be there but the person's not.

Enough of that, it's just making me more sad. I'm beggining to experience the realities in life. The reality that I need a job because I can't keep on depending on my parents for everything. They pay for my phone bill, the gasoline for my car, evertything. I don't even go out too much lately because i'm broke. So I really need a job but unlike my batchmates who are walking the streets of Makati and passing Resumes to companies, I sit at home and wish that a miracle would happen and I would land a good job. Well maybe if I close my eyes and pray hard enough then the miracle would happen. haha, impossible. I know I will get a job...when I start searching for one. =) Maybe I still want to bum around for a while. JUst for another month. =)

Just a while ago I recieved an MMS from a number i am not familiar with. There was a picture of my dog atlas. Atlas was the dog that Bok and I bought. So I assumed the message came from him. It seems that since i went home here in Bulacan, i see things connected to him even if i am trying to avoid all of it. Just yesterday after playing badminton i saw Joey, one of his barkada. He said they were going to puerto galera so i suppose they are there right now. I hope he's doing fine and having fun.

i went to a children's birthday party kanina and if I ever hear another otso otso or pamela one in the next few hours I will really scream my head out. It was all I heard during the party. I guess I am just getting old.

right now, i'm passing my time away by watching home along d airport. Pathetic!!!