Thursday, March 22, 2007


Why are choices so difficult? Why isn’t there a clear cut choice?

How do you choose? How do you choose between what’s good for you and what you love?

Do you choose the safer option because it will make your life easier? Because it is less complicated?

Or do you choose what you love even if it will hurt because you will not be able to live with yourself knowing what could have been?

I am not a risk taker and I have always opted for the safer choice. Even if it meant not doing what would make me happier. I just always figured that by choosing the safer option, I am sparing the people around me the grief and the hurt that I might cause. It would be selfish of me to just think about what would make me happy and ignore all those people around me who will be affected by my decisions.

One of my friends once told me that I care too much about what other people think that it is not healthy anymore. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe.

I let go of things, of people I love because there is a safer route to take. I thought I was making the right decision. It’s just sometimes I get surprised about how I feel about things. Things that I have thought I have gotten over with. Things that I shouldn’t care about anymore:

· I shouldn’t care about him hanging out so much with a girl and doing everything with her.

· I shouldn’t have been bothered when I learned that they had lunch and he opened up to her. Even cried in front of her.

· I shouldn’t care that he doesn’t text me as often anymore and he doesn’t always reply to my text unlike before.

· I shouldn’t have felt how I felt when he hugged me the last time we saw each other.

I want to forget. I don’t want to care anymore because he has already walked away. He wanted to be the better man by walking away and thus making the decision for me. I am not hoping for anything right now. I am done hoping. All I want is just to not feel anymore. But I take it back, I don’t want to feel anymore but I want to remember:

· Remember that he doesn’t drink coffee but he still goes to Starbucks with me

· Remember us walking on the beach, lying on the sand and him buying me the red sarong

· Remember how we always held hands. ( I won’t forget watching Love Actually with him)

· Remember the smell of his perfume (Blue Jeans? Haha)

· Remember how he always made me laugh

I have always wondered. I want to know. Does he love me still? I’ve always asked but never got an answer. Does he feel the way I feel? I doubt it. I know I have said some things that have confused him. I know he’s not big on confrontations and serious conversations. And I know I will never get an answer to my question. I just miss him,that’s all. But I don’t want to miss him. I shouldn’t miss him…

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