Tolerance

Lately I've been in a foul mood. I easily get frustrated about things, about people not meeting my standard, about the stupid things that happen at work, about the misunderstandings with my husband, just about anything can make me angry. My husband says I need anger management. In the contrary, I know I only need someone or something to vent out on.

I need someone who will listen to me when I vent out about my frustrations at work.

I need someone to tell me that things will get better.

I need someone who will just sit with me quietly and just hold me.

I need someone to understand my quiet moments.

I expect this from my husband. I expect him to understand me. That after all this time I still have periods where I get so frustrated about life in general, pressured about other people's expectations that I may not meet, tired from life's daily grind.

Who else would I ask this from than the person who I chose to spend my entire life with?

Who else would I expect to understand?

Who else could I tell about my new fears?

Of how afraid I am that I may not be able to handle the new responsibilites I was given

Of how afraid I am that I may not be able to have children

Of how afraid I am of the days passing by so fast

Of how afraid I am of lossing my friends because I do not have the time to see them

But I can't show weakness. Everyone sees me as someone who takes charge, independent and strong. So how can I break down? I just can't sit down and cry, so I get angry. I get angry at the people I love, who I expect to understand me. I get angry because I cannot cry. I get angry at other people, security guards, waitresses, vendors. I get angry just to release my emotion.

I get angry because I will not allow myself to cry.

And at times like that, I don't need justifications, I don't want a fight, I don't want scenes or more drama. I just need someone to calm me. Sometimes, I just need a pat on the shoulders, a hug, a squeeze of my hands, a reassuring smile, a hand to hold on to when there are no more words left to say.